A Lesson In Resourcefullness, Or Stealing, Depending Who You Are.

In case you don't know by now, I work at a grocery store. I make very little actual money at said grocery store which in turn requires what I like to call resourcefulness, but most people might call stealing. So, for your reading pleasure, I have compiled a numerated list to help you all be a little more resourceful.

Change Is Fair Game
Everyone hates coins. Just about any person alive has a place where they throw their spare change, only to forget about it later. Resourceful people like myself take advantage of this.

1. I like to start by scouring my own room. Coins like to hide in THE MOST RANDOM places, so don't be afraid to look in really strange places. Worst case scenario, you're still broke. Best case scenario, you find $25 in change on your floor (true story).
2. If you find the search of your own belongings disappointing, feel free to look in other high traffic areas of your residence, such as the kitchen table, junk drawers, or the dryer (only attempt this right after someone else has done laundry, dryer dollas go quick).
3. Be sure to check the pockets of all out of season clothing/old backpacks, occasionally you will strike gold.
4. After I have exhausted all the change hiding places inside my house, I take my search outside. My family of five owns and drives approximately 6 different vehicles regularly. Cars collect change like it's their job. Check the ash trays, under the seats and any other little compartments you family's vehicles may have. I promise you will not regret it.



If You Argue Long Enough People Will Give You Money For Anything

1. At my work, people are always trying to get rid of shifts. Taking someone's shift is a good way to earn some extra cash, but if you need money immediately this is not helpful. So I try to find people that are really desperate to get rid of their shift. So desperate they would PAY SOMEONE to take their shift. This way not only do you make more money in your paycheck, but you get a little instant gratification!
2. If I just ask my parents for money they always say no. They are firm believers in "paying your own way" and all that crap. I have found a way around this. Find something you parent really really hates doing. For example, my mother hates to cook dinner, so I tell her I'll buy something for dinner (with her money of course!) and cook it if she pays me. Works every time.
3. I have two brothers. They are very lazy, especially after lacrosse practice. This is the perfect time to earn some money. First, I make myself the most delicious looking sandwich ever. I'm serious. This only works with a really mindblowingly good sandwich. Then I just eat the sandwich. In front of them. Until they inevitably ask me to make them one. which I am more than willing to do, for a little monetary compensation.

Owen DeGeneres

Now, I know all you beloved readers (all 3 of you) are Ellen fans. I know this because if you're an Oprah fan you're not allowed to read this blog anymore. And if you're a Dr. Phil fan you're not allowed to exist anymore. Ellen is totally the coolest person ever. Wouldn't it be awesome if there were two of her? I'm here to tell you that there are! Well, more accurately, she is two people. She is the wonderful, amazing Ellen DeGeneres and the less successful, kind of lame Owen Wilson! Seriously. Compare some pics. Little bit of hair gel, some make up, and you have yourself Owen Wilson!

You may be thinking to yourself "Wow, now that you point it out I totally see it! They are the same person! But why would Ellen create such a lame alter ego?" Well, ladies and gentleman, imagine the pressure of being awesome all the time. It must be so tough to be Ellen. Which is why she created Owen. To take a realizing vacation from being awesome and successful, when she just wants to go out and have people be slightly excited rather than mob her, this is when she morphs into Owen. He is her beach vacation! Her hike through Europe! Further proof of the Owen DeGeneres phenomenon: Owen Wilson once appeared on her show. Just once. Their only appearance together. AND HE WORE A MOTORCYCLE HELMET THE WHOLE TIME. If that's not proof what is? DNA identification you say? I'm on it, I promise!

A Page From A Girl's Diary

This is a promiscuous entry in Tricia's diary:

Dear Diary,

Today I saw him again. When he looks at me with those scantily clad eyes, it makes my dildo go pitter-pat, and I feel as if I have penises in my stomach. I think he likes me because he asked me for the handcuffs when I was standing next to him in the bra. I just had to hear his vibrator again, so I called his penetrating machine and left a wet message.

I hope he doesn't recognize my lube. He is such a juicy pickle, dear diary. His name is Jeff, and I live in hope that someday he'll realize how kinky I would be for him, and that I am the man thong he has always been looking for.