Hi Internet, my name is Charles, and you may not call me Chuck. (And definitely not Chaz.) Abby asked me to do a guest post on her blog, and I was happy to oblige. It wasn't hard to think of what I was going to write about. So here goes. I have now been living in Boston for 11 months. This is a long enough time for me to become one of those snobby city people who doesn't like you. Yes, you. I thought I would enumerate some of things people do that I don't like.
Number one: crossing the street while cars are trying to get by. There is a traffic system. Here's how it works: when there's a red light, the cars have to stop. This is an appropriate time to cross the street. If there is a green light, but no cars are approaching, that's also an appropriate time to cross the street. If there's a green light and a dozen cars are trying to get through the intersection and you walk in front of them anyways, that is not an appropriate time to cross the street. Also, as soon as one person does this, another twenty people follow, because at that point the cars are forced to stop, and by the time all the pedestrians clear the intersection, half of the green light has been wasted, so only half as many cars can get through before it turns red again. This ruins the traffic system, people. You pedestrians are not so special that you get to walk across the street whenever the hell you want. You have to follow the rules, just like cars. And these aren't just rules like they have in elementary school just because grown-ups like to make rules, these are rules that speed up the traffic system for everybody, cars and pedestrians, if they are properly followed. Okay? Follow the rules, and you'll get to where you're going faster.
That brings me to my second complaint. People say Boston drivers are aggressive. (By the way, anyone who says that hasn't walked around Manhattan, or they wouldn't be complaining about Boston drivers any more.) But compared to the pedestrians and bicyclists in this city, the drivers seem like saints. They're the only group that thinks the rules of the road apply to them. Now, I've already dealt with pedestrians, so it's time to give the bicyclists some of my scorn. First of all, while it may not be technically illegal to ride your bike on the sidewalk, it's not okay. Weaving through pedestrians at 15 miles an hour, barely missing people's elbows with your handlebars,
all while acting like it's their fault for not getting out of your way makes you nothing less than an asshole. Just yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk with Abby and some dude on a bike whooshes by us, coming dangerously close to her. I gave a feeble attempt at heckling after him "There's a road!" but I don't think he heard me. Luckily most bikers are not, in fact, that stupid, and usually do ride on the road. This is good. What is not good is that they somehow have the idea that they don't have to stop at red lights, or signal when they're turning, or do any of the things that other vehicles do. On several occasions I have waited for a red light to cross the road, walked in front of the stopped cars, then just as I was passing the last car, almost get run over by a biker thinking he's Lance fucking Armstrong barreling down Mass Ave at 25 miles an hour. Every time that happens I wish he or she would clip me with their handlebars so they'd hit the ground. Besides being illegal, it's extremely dangerous and very stupid. The root of the problem here is that bikers have a bad attitude. They can go faster than pedestrians, and often cars, and apparently this makes them feel like bad-asses who don't follow the rules, just like how John Lennon didn't follow the rules. Well, self-appointed bad-asses, look what happened to John Lennon. Bicyclists need to slow down, respect other people's safety, and follow the same rules as everybody else.
Now for something a little different. We're going underground this time. Specifically, the subway system. As a resident of Boston and a person who cannot afford to take a cab everywhere, I take the train a lot. It seems to like the vast majority of the other people on the train are also experienced train riders, so you'd think they'd all know the etiquette, but this is not the case. See, it's really simple. When the train doors open, there's a procedure. First, people on the train should immediately begin to step off in a calm and orderly fashion. People in the back of the queue should calmly wait for people in front of them to get off, and not attempt to push past them. Everyone in front of you is trying to get off the train too, lady, you're not that special. People on the platform should give way to the people exiting the train. As soon as the last person leaves the train, people on the platform should calmly board it. When the last person gets on, the driver will close the doors. That is the system. Any deviance from that system will likely double the amount of time the train's going to be sitting at the station, which is pretty annoying. Examples of people I have witnessed violate the system: people being too pushy trying to get off the train (as I already mentioned), people being too pushy getting on the train (the most common issue), people not queuing up inside the train or on the platform before the doors open (we're not sitting here so you can have nice long think about what you want to do), people who let the train doors close on them (this is almost always their fault for waiting around until everyone else is settled, so the driver start to close the doors, then they finally decide to go for it), and lastly people who complain to the driver about the doors closing on them (if you're thinking about complaining to the driver about something, it's probably your fault). Here's the thing. I'm really a pretty understanding person, so if you weren't a city resident, I wouldn't mind that you didn't have the subway routine down pat. But I'm pretty sure like 99% of people on the subway are Boston residents who have had years to learn the procedure, so I have no sympathy for them.
On that note, some discussion about residents versus visitors. First, I can tell the difference between the two immediately. Now, most visitors don't make any effort to hide their naïveté, which is fine. But there's one demographic that's different, and that's high schoolers from the suburbs. They act like they own the whole city, but their arrogance gives them away. I was once a high schooler from the Boston suburbs, envious of city folk and their superior lifestyle (seriously), so I understand these people's thoughts, but that does not excuse their actions. Let me explain. The very first time you ride the subway in your life, you'll probably be caught off guard by the rough motion of the train. Luckily there are bars and handles everywhere to hold onto so you don't stumble when the train moves. So after the first time, you should know that you have to hold on. Well, these suburban kids don't seem to know this, and it's highly unlikely it's their first time ever on the train. The waltz onto the train in a pack, laughing, talking loudly, thinking they're hot shit because they're out on the town without their parents, and generally being a little obnoxious. They make no effort to move down the train to make space for other people getting on behind them. Then, (and this is what I hate), the train starts to move, and they all stumble, fall into each other, and generally look very un-cool. How do they react to this? Depends on the gender. Girls think it's hilarious. Giggles all around. Isn't it so funny that we're clueless enough to almost fall over? No, ladies, it's not funny. It's just embarrassing. Not the funny kind of outrageous embarrassing, just the slightly pathetic kind. Guys, on the other hand, act like it didn't happen. They're too worried about staying chill toacknowledge a break in their chill demeanor, and the rules about accidentally touching your guy friends apply: you pretend it didn't happen. Now, after everyone falls, the girls will usually realized their mistake and grab something to hold on to, but the guys still won't, because then they'd be implicitly admitting they needed to hold onto something to keep their balance and implying they made a mistake by not grabbing on before, and that is so not macho. So they just keeping standing there, convinced their masculinity is so great that it will overcome mechanical physics. This is particularly sad because only smug 16 year old guys in over-sized Bruins hats think that they need to show off their asculinity to strangers on the subway, and in failing this, lose any man-points they may have had. See the tired-looking guy sitting in the corner with an old briefcase? He's just worked hard all day to support his family, and now he's going home to spend a few hours with his kids before they go to bed. He's the most man of anyone on the train, and you kids have no idea how much you suck compared to him. Now, I knew a lot of guys like that in high school, and I may have even been one of them. But that doesn't excuse the behavior. So kids: hold onto the bars. You're going to fall over. It's just science.
If I could summarize this and other gripes about city life, it boils down to two things: follow the rules, and if you think you're cool, you're not. I hope readers don't think I'm a hateful person. I'm not really, this is pretty much the extend of the animosity I harbor. And now back to your regularly schedule blogging. Thank you for your time.
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