Dinosaurs Were God's First Plan

Or,

Reasons Jesus Was Probably Originally A Dinosaur. I suspect a triceratops.

Anyone remember that story in the bible about Noah? The one where God floods everything and kills everyone except for Noah and his family and his zoo boat? Yeah you know what I'm talking about. So, when God gets mad he kills everyone. Hmm. Anyone remember that thing where ALL of another species died out? I believe it was a meteor that time, but the world ending catastrophe still went down. So here's the deal: I'm pretty sure God tried dinosaurs first. But then they were all aggressive, and some of them ate each other and shit, and probably had premarital sex and were gay etc, and just generally didn't believe in God. Also, they probably just weren't as effective. How were they supposed to write the bible without opposable thumbs?Though, I struggle to imagine how they could have screwed the world up as much as we have without opposable thumbs, so God's standards must have just gone down recently. Anyway, he got mad at his creations for being immoral little bitches, and he decided to teach them a lesson. He sent the meteor and wiped them all out, and decided to try again. I mean, no one's prefect right? We can't all be expected to get everything right the first time. He did well with water, plants, all that jazz, he just tried again with dinos. But he was so upset with them for sucking that he made them in a totally different image. I suspect God is really a dinosaur, and he just wanted to make us feel good so he said he made us in his image too. It's like when you tell your second child you love them as much as your first child. We all know you don't.

The reason we're still here and dinosaurs aren't is actually our opposable thumbs. God was so impressed with the hardware he created he was less upset that the software was still not up to par. First he tried Noah, because let's be honest, a reboot can almost always fix the problem. When that didn't work he just sent us Jesus and called it good. He's like a hotline. You talk to him if you're having an emergency, if not hopefully we can work it out on our own. You've got to admit it, the opposable thumbs are impressive.