Why Nascar is the Most Horrible Thing Ever

An Explanation of Why Liking Nascar Makes You A Terrorist

Nascar, for those lucky souls who don't know, is a "sport" where people drive around a track. Really fast. There are a lot of them, and they try to finish like 8000 laps first. It's all very exciting, really (not really). There are thousands of reasons Nascar is terrible, and I will probably expand on them in future posts. I have a lot to say about Nascar. However, in this post I will focus on why liking Nascar basically makes you a terrorist. Might as well put on your Jimmie Johnson hat (he's number one right now I think. Just googled that shit)and go blow up planes or something. Here's why:

Unlike other sports, Nascar does not rely on your physical fitness. (If anyone who reads this blog [does anyone read this blog?] likes Nascar, they will be indignantly thinking "Nascar requires physical abilities!" People say this. I have never done Nascar, nor do I plan to, so I can not attest to this. It does seem like it would take some small amount of skill, however, not physical fitness. So calm down) Instead of exercising and protein powder and steroids, Nascar is fueled by gasoline. Think how much gas it takes for about 500 cars to go around a miles track 8000 times (Just tried to look up accurate information so I could do legit math, but its too confusing. All the races are different lengths and shit) Anyway the point is, the use a lot of gas. Good for the planet guys, real great. I feel global warming accelerate every time there's a Nascar race. But that's not even the point. The point is this. Let's say Nascar uses a zillion gallons of gas a season (that sounds accurate, right?). Where is that gas coming from? I bet you some of it comes from Middle Eastern oil. I bet a lot of it does. And, since we Americans know all Middle Easterners are terrorists, ESPECIALLY the ones selling the oil, supporting a sport that needlessly (they're not even going anywhere! They do like 185 laps around THE SAME 2.66 mile track) uses a zillion gallons of gas, which the terrorists make money off of selling America CLEARLY MEANS ANYONE WHO SUPPORTS NASCAR IS ALSO SUPPORTING THE TERRORISTS AND DOESN'T LOVE AMERICA. Consider that next time you see a Nascar fan. And let them know how you feel about it. It's time to take back America!

Predictions for the New Year!

Ok, just want to clear one thing up before I start this off. 2011 is not the start of a new decade. That was 2010. Just so we're all on the same page here.

So, instead of New Years Resolutions (lame) I like to make New Years predictions! It's more exciting when the pressure is off you to make them come true. So here goes:

1. Justin Beiber will cut his hair and sell it on the internet for billions. Or get murdered by a stalker.

2. America will realize Oprah is lame and Ellen is better!

3. Sarah Palin will start a committee to explore the possibility of running in 2012 (or an exploratory committee, or whatever they're called), and they will report that yes, America is stupid enough to vote for her.

4. Miley Cyrus will do something even more scandalous. But what?! Drugs, alcohol, sex...what will she do now? I'm eager to find out.

5. This blog will become super famous and Ellen will invite us on her show to dance!

6. Everyone will forget who Willow Smith is. Or she'll be upstaged by a fetus.

7. Americans will discover proof that Barack Obama really is an African Muslim out to take over the world. They knew it all along!

8. Gay rights. I feel like this is going to be a good year for them. I'm hoping for a lot of advances. (I'm totally serious on this one.)

9. Weed will be decriminalized! It already is in Mass, and I think possibly other places, but I think there's going to be more decriminalization happening this year. Which is actually really stupid. If the government has decided they don't really care that much if we're going to smoke weed, they really need to go all out, legalize it, and regulate it. Make a freaking weed tax and start cutting down the deficit! Of course, that is if the government wanted to maximize it's own interests. Apparently it has the best interests of smokers at heart, and decriminalization is the way to go.

10. The garden gnomes will launch the rebellion they've been plotting for centuries, and finally take us over. Then the unicorns will finally be able to come out of hiding, and humans will all turn into zombies. Be prepared people.

11. The suicide rate will spike after the last Harry Potter movie because, really, now that HP is over what do we have to live for anymore?

12. Fanny packs will come back in style. They've been biding their time for ages, and it is their turn to shine!