Josiah’s Last Sliver of Morality

Hey, I’m Josiah, one of the blogger people on this website. Sort of. For some reason, I’m going to start out by telling you my life story.

Part 1. (The Good Kid)

Yeah, you read it right. I was the good little smiling white boy who wore a halo around his head at all times. I guess you wouldn’t really know the difference now, seeing that you don’t know me, and you literally just became aware of my existence about 10 to 30 seconds ago depending on your literacy. Wow, two minutes? You’re idiotic. Anyways, I was good. I stayed away from conversations that had to do with drugs or Harry Potter. Harry Potter was a huge no-no, maybe more so than the drugs. Even now, I have yet to do both. Let’s jump ahead to another part. No, I don’t think I’m going show you the next part… maybe the part after.

Part 3. (The Part after Part 2)

So, after Disney, I was a new person. I gradually began to make jokes, and I even cracked a couple dirty ones. I became pretty good acquaintances with the other people who write this thing, and I made several others. And that Derek kid and I are writing a book. Wow. Am I really whoring out my book to a blog that will never be read? Hmm… Yeah, I feel like shaming myself.

So yeah, there you go. That’s my life in three parts, without the annoying, cumbersome baggage of the second part. So now that you know about me, I’ll start talking about something now.

Pocket Watches

Now, I’m not really a watch person. Watches feed human’s dependency on gears, and gears are treacherous. Remember that. But, when I saw my friend wear a pocket watch, I knew that it was an original enough idea to do the exact same thing and coin it as my own. So now, I am THAT guy. Yeah, you know that guy. The “I wear a vest and tie with jeans, just so that I can correctly wear a pocket watch” guy. I’m proud of my accomplishments. Don’t judge. Pocket watches have several logical uses that I will now list.

1. Your snazzy meter will multiply by at least seven if you wear a pocket watch.

Seriously, if you are walking down the street swinging sweet swirls around the rhythm of your second hand (swinging your pocket watch around), you are getting checked out. I’m not joking. Especially if you’re hot. Okay, if you are walking down the street swinging sweet swirls around the rhythm of your second hand, and you are HOT, you are getting checked out. I still say the watch helped.

2. You get to blow people’s minds.

So Hillary, her brother, and I got on a train in Boston. It was late fall or something, so I was wearing my long pea coat (also crazy-snazzy). So, we’re sitting in a pretty sketchy train car, and this pretty sketchy guy sits across from us. I think he was bald. Does that matter at all to the actual story? That’s your opinion. Anyways, he asked if one of us had the time. This is about a week after my initial pocket watch purchase, so I immediately jumped to the challenge. Let’s talk about some obstacles. For one, my coat was buttoned up, with my pocket watch in my vest pocket which was now underneath a fair amount of wool-like polyester. Another obstacle was time. Both Hillary and her brother were sporting wrist watches, the jerk son of the pocket watch who probably got all the inheritance and waved it in the sundial’s face. Needless to say, they were beating me on the whole “tell the stranger the time” thing. So here’s what I did. I literally lifted my still-buttoned pea coat up, ripped my watch from my vest pocket, and read the man the time in such a majestic way that I was pretty sure that he was going to bow down to me. Hillary and her brother sat there in shame, while I stood there with my pea coat hunched up to my mid torso, smiling idiotically. Yeah.

Well, that’s all I can think of… but pocket watches rule. I swear.