Hilldawg and I plus Charleston Chill (why am I the only one without an awesome name?) are going TO A CURLING TOURNAMENT this weekend. We're going to watch our super awesome friend BE A CURLER. THRILLING! We are all super excited about what I am sure will be the most awe-inspiring, insane, thrilling, orgasmic moment of our lives.
So, here's the dealio: we're going to talk to you now about what we hypothesize curling is like, then we're going to tell you what it was like IN REAL LIFE after we have been to the tournament. We'll take detailed notes, so our observations are accurate.
First, we will briefly outline the origins of curling, so you learn things from dinocheesecake!
The year is 1879, and Canada is overrun with flesh-eating pigs. A young Cornelius Longfellows the 18th, our rugged hero, surveys the barren land. Since it’s Canada and not America, there are no weapons. Just Canadians and rocks. “I ought to let the pigs just destroy everything, so we can do something productive with this land,” thought Cornelius. But he wanted desperately to carry the Longfellow name into Canadian history (Canada has history?), so he was determined to subdue the wild beasts. He realized the only weapons Canadians have are the flaming rocks that dot the countryside, yet never seem to melt the ice that engulfs the entire country. How can the Canadians use the flaming rocks to defeat the pigs?!
Cornelius knows he can’t do it alone, he’ll need to train an army. He rounds up all 34 Canadian citizens and holds a flaming rock sliding workshop. The best way to take out the pigs is to slide a rock along the ice and wipe out their feet, then when they fall on the rock they catch on fire! However, in the midst of the workshop Cornelius makes a terrible discovery. The rocks do not have enough force to wipe out one of the beastly monsters, they just snivel at the rocks with their fangs bared, and then they ATTACK.
Hurriedly, Cornelius improvises “What else do we have in this gosh darned country other than flaming rocks, evil pigs and ice?! BROOMS!” Incidentally, Canadian women were famous for sweeping all the time, because they had nothing to better to do. “WOMEN, GET YOUR BROOMS!” commanded Cornelius in his rusty baritone voice. Then he grabbed the nearest girl, Gretel, and whispered in her ear “Except you. You stay right here with me baby. I’ll keep you safe,” as he caressed her bosom gently. She felt him swell beneath her. “Oh Cornelius,” she gasped, “there’s a pig right behind you!” He turned quickly, and melted it with his eyes. But the moment was lost, and all the women had returned with their brooms anyway.
“Okay, now men, I want you to throw the flaming rocks at the pigs! Be careful, you won’t have many shots to take each one out. Ladies, I want you to sweep the Canadian Wasteland furiously in front of the rocks, so they gain speed and kill the evil demons!” Everyone took positions in preparation for the final battle, and Gretel gave Cornelius a back rub. As she massaged his wonderful, strong, muscular body, she whispered seductively in his ear “The way you throw flaming rocks at the flesh eating pigs gets me so wet Cornelius. I want you to take me like you take the pigs - angry and hard.” But once again, they were distracted as the pigs surrounded the igloo they had been using as their base, and the beginning of the end began.
The men threw flaming rocks like they were Americans! The women swept like they were Canadians! Cornelius alone took out four baby fanged pigs with a single boulder the size of his boulder (if you know what I mean). One by one, the pigs squealed their last, flesh eating squeal, as they burned in Canadian rock flames. As Cornelius destroyed the final pig while Gretel gave him a blow job the entire country (all 16 that were still alive) erupted into cheers, and he erupted on Gretel’s face (if you know what I mean).
And that, boys and girls, is how curling was invented!
Now, every year to celebrate Cornelius’s wonderful deeds, Canadians give each other blow jobs. And also, they whined a lot, so now curling is in the Olympics! It’s the only sport Canada has ever won!
So, here's the dealio: we're going to talk to you now about what we hypothesize curling is like, then we're going to tell you what it was like IN REAL LIFE after we have been to the tournament. We'll take detailed notes, so our observations are accurate.
First, we will briefly outline the origins of curling, so you learn things from dinocheesecake!
The year is 1879, and Canada is overrun with flesh-eating pigs. A young Cornelius Longfellows the 18th, our rugged hero, surveys the barren land. Since it’s Canada and not America, there are no weapons. Just Canadians and rocks. “I ought to let the pigs just destroy everything, so we can do something productive with this land,” thought Cornelius. But he wanted desperately to carry the Longfellow name into Canadian history (Canada has history?), so he was determined to subdue the wild beasts. He realized the only weapons Canadians have are the flaming rocks that dot the countryside, yet never seem to melt the ice that engulfs the entire country. How can the Canadians use the flaming rocks to defeat the pigs?!
Cornelius knows he can’t do it alone, he’ll need to train an army. He rounds up all 34 Canadian citizens and holds a flaming rock sliding workshop. The best way to take out the pigs is to slide a rock along the ice and wipe out their feet, then when they fall on the rock they catch on fire! However, in the midst of the workshop Cornelius makes a terrible discovery. The rocks do not have enough force to wipe out one of the beastly monsters, they just snivel at the rocks with their fangs bared, and then they ATTACK.
Hurriedly, Cornelius improvises “What else do we have in this gosh darned country other than flaming rocks, evil pigs and ice?! BROOMS!” Incidentally, Canadian women were famous for sweeping all the time, because they had nothing to better to do. “WOMEN, GET YOUR BROOMS!” commanded Cornelius in his rusty baritone voice. Then he grabbed the nearest girl, Gretel, and whispered in her ear “Except you. You stay right here with me baby. I’ll keep you safe,” as he caressed her bosom gently. She felt him swell beneath her. “Oh Cornelius,” she gasped, “there’s a pig right behind you!” He turned quickly, and melted it with his eyes. But the moment was lost, and all the women had returned with their brooms anyway.
“Okay, now men, I want you to throw the flaming rocks at the pigs! Be careful, you won’t have many shots to take each one out. Ladies, I want you to sweep the Canadian Wasteland furiously in front of the rocks, so they gain speed and kill the evil demons!” Everyone took positions in preparation for the final battle, and Gretel gave Cornelius a back rub. As she massaged his wonderful, strong, muscular body, she whispered seductively in his ear “The way you throw flaming rocks at the flesh eating pigs gets me so wet Cornelius. I want you to take me like you take the pigs - angry and hard.” But once again, they were distracted as the pigs surrounded the igloo they had been using as their base, and the beginning of the end began.
The men threw flaming rocks like they were Americans! The women swept like they were Canadians! Cornelius alone took out four baby fanged pigs with a single boulder the size of his boulder (if you know what I mean). One by one, the pigs squealed their last, flesh eating squeal, as they burned in Canadian rock flames. As Cornelius destroyed the final pig while Gretel gave him a blow job the entire country (all 16 that were still alive) erupted into cheers, and he erupted on Gretel’s face (if you know what I mean).
And that, boys and girls, is how curling was invented!
Now, every year to celebrate Cornelius’s wonderful deeds, Canadians give each other blow jobs. And also, they whined a lot, so now curling is in the Olympics! It’s the only sport Canada has ever won!
