10 Reasons Why Robot Unicorn Attack is the Best Game Ever

My lovely boyfriend was doing his interneting and he came across what is quite possibly the single most beautiful game in existence. He immediately showed me, I showed Hillary, and soon it was all over. We are now officially Robot Unicorn Attack addicts. PLAY NOW

DO IT

PLAY

NOW

This is the perfect game for gamers of all skill levels and ages. BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME.

Top 10 Reasons Why:

1. The Music! I know you all played already, so you know how lovely and soothing the song is. I have it playing on repeat right now, I love it so much. The robot unicorns just want to be with you, make believe with you, and live in harmony! "Open your eyes, and see, your eyes are open!" That is lyrical genius.

2. ROBOT UNICORNS! What is more bad ass than a robot that is also a unicorn? Nothing. Nothing at all.

3. Explosions Even though you're sad you died, you exploded and it's awesome!

4. Dolphins! Once you get far enough dolphins jump and swim along with you as you play. What is more lovely and inspiring than a dolphin keeping you company?

5. Inspirational Messages! At the start of each game you get inspirational messages. What is more awesome than a game than inspires you to succeed?

6. Rainbows! When you jump rainbows come out of your butt and guide you to the heavens. They're comforting and lovely and beautiful.

7. The Noise It Makes When You Jump! It's like magical chimes!

8. The Way Your Feet Sparkle When You Run! As your majestic unicorn gallops along the ground sparkles with pure joy everywhere you touch it. It is exhilarating to be this strong beautiful creature.

9. The Way Your Decapitated Head Cries When You Die! There is nothing more touching, more heart wrenching, more poetic than the tears that drip down your unicorns decapitated head after it has died.

10. Your Lives Are Called Wishes! Because who doesn't wish they were a majestic robot unicorn careening though a beautiful world with sparkling hooves and rainbows coming out of their butt? Who doesn't wish they could gallop around catching little fairy things and smashing into stars? Everyone has that wish burried deep inside them. Until a magical game called Robot Unicorn Attack let's them live out their fantasy.

Things I Love About Country Music!

Here's how this is going to go down:

I'm going to go to Pandora and I'm going to create a station starting with the song "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."

I will then listen to the next 10 songs.

I will write my thoughts about them here.

I will hopefully not die.

Song 1: If You're Going Through Hell

Rodney Atkins

The first line that strikes me is "Use the needle of your compass/to sew up your broken heart." I admit I was a little thrown off by his beautiful, crooning, below average IQ sounding voice so I may have missed some gems earlier on, but this is a beautiful piece of lyricism to me. The pure genius of taking your compass (Who has a fucking compass?! What are you a boy scout?!) and sewing up your broken heart is beyond me. It actually seems a little Brokeback Mountain: tough guy meets home ec, but is still manly! And the manly advice just keeps coming! "If you're scared don't show it." Why, that's an excellent idea. As long as no one knows you're scared everything will be okay! From this song I've learned that if I'm going through hell to just keep going. Rodney, thank you for your words of wisdom. You have made the world a better place.

Song 2: Beer For My Horses

Toby Keith

Somebody is getting in a lot of trouble in the first verse! Wow, we've got pretty high crime rates up in here ladies and gentleman. Watch out! Oh, but wait! In the second verse "Grandpappy" told "Pappy" to round up all the bad boys. Phew. I don't want to be a spoiler, but I suspect a happy ending if Pappy's on the case! The chorus seems to be in line with my theory! Also, in case anyone was unclear Toby Keith apparently lives in a TV show version of the wild west. Guess what kids! After the shoot out to rescue the beautiful lady we'll all go to the saloon to sing a victory song! And we'll feed our animals alcohol too yay! GOOD MORALS GOING ON UP IN HERE. Inebriating animals? Cool, as long as the bad guy is caught and the humans have stronger alcohol! Oh, now he's bringing Jesus in on this! Well as long as Jesus approves never mind, excellent policing strategies.

Song 3: What Was I Thinkin

Dierks Bentley

She sounds like a keeper buddy. What were you thinking? Ew. Alabama has always screamed sexy to me too, but gosh her Daddy's been to jail! And then you ran from the cops? Suddenly I understand why you were attracted to this lovely piece of trailer trash, your brain seems slightly damaged. I'm going to just throw something out there: Your penis was thinking, you weren't. Though I have trouble faulting your for that one because you're stupid, plenty of guys without brain damage have done the same. This is the part that confuses me: you know her dad is pissed, but you still drop her off and put the car in park? What? Drop her off a block away and make the bitch walk home, dumb ass.

Song 4: Swing

Trace Adkins

Comparing girls to sports? Unheard of. How did you come up with that one? I am impressed. Especially baseball. I can't think of any relationship/baseball comparisons. You are really pushing the limits. First off, no one is ever going to believe you went to Harvard, because stupid people can only go to Harvard if they're rich. And she will never believe you are smart or rich. Pre-med? Right. Okay. At least use believable lies! This is why you didn't get into Harvard in the first place. The real lyrical genius in the chorus is great. The way he alternates saying swing and batter is deep.

Song 5: Be My Baby Tonight

John Michael Montgomery

Really, love at first sight? Wow, that's deep. And highly unlikely you lying bastard. Lust at first sight is real. You're probably experiencing that. Look down, is your penis erect? Yeah, I thought so. Penis =/= love. If your awesome pick up line doesn't get her your grammatical prowess in the chorus sure will. Girls love men who sound like they've never spoken the English language before, it's sexy. The phrase "rhinestone romeo" is very nice too, alliteration everyone! He did make it through sixth grade! He's looking for more than a one night rodeo folks, sorry I must have been wrong. He's going to get down on his knees, there's no way this is lust. This is legit.

Song 6: Watermelon Crawl

Tracy Byrd

Haha, Rind County Watermelon Festival. He made a funny! What exactly is hot enough to make the Devil sigh? That phrase confuses me. Maybe it's because I've never met the Devil the way all these country singers apparently have. Dude, if there are 100 gallons of free wine I will got to a watermelon festival any day. I've never heard of watermelon wine though...interesting? A no drunk driving message thrown in there too, very responsible! Instead of drunk driving dance! That is very logical. Obviously my next method of getting home is dancing. We use it in college all the time. I've waltzed back to my dorm before. I should learn this watermelon crawl, it doesn't sound complex at all for someone who's inebriated.

Song 7: Southern Hallelujah

Trace Adkins

Judging solely by the first verse this is going to be one of those songs that talks about how a specific geographic region of girls are the best, judging by the genre its going to be the south. Obviously all girls in a geographic region can be grouped together. All us girls up here in the north definitely have similar characteristics, we're practically clones. This is a very legitimate way of judging girls. Why, when I meet a guy first thing I do is make sure he isn't from the South. I've always loved that tolerance and care that people from below the Mason-Dixon line have exhibited throughout history. Trace and I do agree on one point, there is something about the way they talk. Southern accents are just so intelligent sounding. It's crazy how every girl from the Carolinas is sweet and hospitable. Maybe they're clones?

Song 8: Back When

Tim McGraw

No, I do not remember the fizz in a pepper. What? Can someone please explain this to me? All I can think of is Dr. Pepper, and I can assure you that it still fizzes. And I'm just gunna let you in on a little secret, Coke is called Coke because it was originally made with Cocaine in it. So shut your little mouth about "when a Coke was a Coke." A Coke was never "just a Coke." Just because you had different slang words doesn't mean people didn't have sex or use drugs or give blow jobs. It just means you had different words for it. So stop judging, bitch. You just can't handle change, this nothing to do with "better times."

Song 9: Hicktown

Jason Aldean

This song has me concerned for the state of America. Riping and rolling is how you get down? You can see the neighbor's butt crack? Eww. Why is everyone smoking?! Why are you teaching your kids that that's okay? Why are you promoting this sort of behavior? CANCER! Also, waste of gas much? These "Hicktowns" seem pretty gas guzzling. No more fancy car judging, when you're ruining yours in mud and wasting gas. Not a renewable resource you know! Something tells me that this isn't the kind of party that's "heard around the world." There's a reason people live in the city, it's to get away from people's smoke and butt cracks.

Song 10: Drinkin Bone

Tracy Byrd

"It's basic honky tonk anatomy" OBVIOUSLY. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Maybe it's one of those things you need to be drunk, or maybe just plain stupid to understand? Because unfortunately "honky tonk anatomy" was one of those things I struggled with in high school. And they don't even offer it in college, I looked! I'm disappointed, it's something I've always wanted to know. Wait, he's going to explain! Oh wow, they should teach this one to preschoolers! It's like the "head bone's connected to the shoulder bone" song, but so much more useful in real life! I enjoy the fact that I can prove his little "obvious life facts" wrong. Down is not always south, it depends where you're standing. Thirty two degrees isn't freezing cold on the Celsius scale, you ethnocentric douche. Have you ever been to a circus? Those bitches play with lots of fire, and they appear to be unscathed. And trust me, knowing your honky tonk anatomy is NOT the most important thing you need to know. No wonder Asia is producing so many more engineers and shit, this is what Americans think it's important to teach their kids? We are officially screwed.

Celebrating National Bitch at the Grocery Store Day

Howdy y'all!

I certainly hope you're enjoying our lovely blog thus far. It is with great pleasure that I now bring you our first installment of National "Bitch At The Grocery Store" Day! Now, I know what you're thinking, but this is not an annual holiday. Oh no. School is session, the bank is open all day. NBATGSD is everyday. It's like Hanukkah, but longer, and instead of presents you get verbally abused. Sound good? Great. Let's get started!

It's a beautiful day in May. I am at the lovely retail food store where I am an ever important cashier. Everything was going smoothly, until I saw the one thing in my line that no cashier ever wants to see. That's right kids. A WIC order. Be afraid. But this was not just any WIC order. This one was for baby food. 48 FUCKING JARS of baby food.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with WIC, I will explain why this is such a terrible thing. WIC is a government program for Women with Infants/Children (WIC, get it? Cute, I know). Participants are given vouchers for specific items that every child/mother needs (allegedly). But so that the government isn't losing money unnecessarily (riiiight), participants are only allowed to buy very specific foods approved by the government. Cashiers are required to make sure each item the participant is buying is approved, because who trusts moms to buy their babies the right food? NOT THE GOVERNMENT.

So anyway, there is this man in my line. He is super sketchy looking. Like meth addict sketchy. He was shaking the entire time this string of events was occurring. So there he is. With his ridiculous amounts of baby food. NONE OF WHICH ARE ON THE LIST OF APPROVED FOODS. I kindly inform him of this, and tell him he needs to get the correct ones. I write down the list of things he is allowed to get, just in case he didn't know and send him on his way. Approximately ten blissfully pleasant minutes pass before he returns, piles of baby food in hand (Why didn't he get a cart?) he dumps his mountains of baby food onto my register.

div>I begin to look at them, and realize that an unimaginable thing has happened. THIS MAN HAS GOTTEN ALL THE WRONG THINGS AGAIN, EVEN WITH A LIST TO FOLLOW. Seriously dude? How can you be this dumb? HOW??! I am shocked, confused and just a little frightened as I tell this man that he needs to get the correct items FOR A THIRD TIME. He becomes infuriated with me and starts yelling at me about how unfair this is and how all these rules are "fucking stupid". Once he finishes his tirade, I calmly told him that I was sorry, but I don't know what else I can do for him. (I told him what he needed to get. I wrote him a fucking list. I do not have time right now to teach him how to read.) He continues to shout about the injustices of receiving government aid and how "retarded" it is that there are rules.

"My baby likes mixed vegetables! Why won't you let me buy them?!" is just one exclamation emitted by this man. I don't know what to do. He won't shut up. And then, the sheer stupidity of his proclamations made my head explode into sweet, sweet oblivion.

The end.

Derek's Corner of Various What-Nots

So here I am. I am Derek. I believe I was featured in a story that involved Applebees and various other buttsex shenanigans. That's right, I'm that Derek.

The creators of this incredible blog sensibly titled “Dinosaurs like cheesecake too” decided to give me a little section of my own in which I will submit bi-monthly. Since I don't know what the fuck bi-monthly means I am just going to give them an entry whenever the fuck I want. Now I also receive full artistic freedom to write whatever I want. Which is dangerous. It took a few hours of intense editing just to make sure those first lines above wouldn't catapult this blog straight onto the CIA terrorist watch list. You don't even want to know what I took out. In my older days I've grown quite a bit more mature and have learned to filter what I say. Luckily for you, that means this entire column of mine will be void of all poop jokes.*
So first order of business. You the reader (all 3 of you) will be wondering, what does Derek's Corner of Various What-Nots entail? Well, I don't know. I haven't figured it out. Haven't found my chief aim so to speak. I tossed up the idea of having a continuous theme running through these but then I realized that takes work and investment. And I don't like work.... or investment. So instead what we get is exactly what the title says: Various What-Nots. So think of this first one as an introduction. A tour of what is to come. I can promise you that you'll probably learn a shit ton of shit. I'll be sharing with you my philosophical meanderings and general thoughts on the cosmos. Thusly involving, as previously stated “a shit ton of shit.”
But first it would probably be good to get to know me. I am the inventor of many new sciences. The first is one that bases the happiness of a person in direct correlation with the tint of their earwax. I just made it 56 minutes ago and it's already got more credibility then astrology, because everyone knows that astrology is bullshit.

Another science I invented is Ology-ology. A week ago me and a few other ology-ologists were awarded a 10 million dollar grant to research the effectiveness of government grants. I am also a world class athlete. I play professionally in the up and coming underground sport called “Extreme Curling.” Instead of brooms we get flame throwers and the field is at an 89 degree angle which we have to ski down while playing. Let's just say lives have been lost. But other then that I'm a real outdoors sort of guy... I'm homeless. The government fucked me in the ass and that's all you need to know in those regards. I can also be pretty sensitive though. Catching on fire hurts like a bitch and I'm man enough to admit it.

So this entry was quite dull, and for that I apologize. But we are just warming up, getting to know each other first. The ball will get rolling and these things might actually begin to get, dare I say... funny. But until then its like the first time you have sex. Passionless and quick. After reading this you may even itch in a private area for a few weeks as well. But of course you wouldn't know. You're reading a blog (all 3 of you). So until the next bi-month comes around, which for all I know could be a fucking half-century from now, I will continue to wallow in my tears of loneliness and self-despair. It is befitting. So stay ever vigilant my friends, and remain on the look out.... I'll be back.

*Dick-Poop... I lied.

Why Dinosaurs Are Better Than Jesus

So, I have a triceratops named Raptor:

He was a gift from my lovely boyfriend, because everyone knows dinosaurs make the best pets ever. To prove my point we have compiled a list of reasons

Why Dinosaurs Are Better Than Jesus

A Numerated List

1. Dinosaurs were real. We have fossils and everything. Show me a Jesus fossil, bitches.
2. Dinosaurs would have sex with you. Jesus was too holy for that. Nuff said.
3. Dinosaurs will sex your mom. All Jesus will do is forgive her.
   
   
4. Dinosaurs would eat Jesus. For breakfast. Then Jesus would be dead.
   
   
5. Dinosaurs were killed by a meteorite. Jesus was killed by a bunch of old guys.
6. Dinosaurs roamed the earth for hundreds of thousands of years. Jesus was around for a few decades.
7. Dinosaurs had bigger penises than Jesus. Some dinosaur penises could have been as long as 12 feet and as wide as a foot. Yeah, beat that Jesus.
8. Dinosaurs won't judge you if you kill your obnoxious roommate (or brother, sister, parent, friend acquaintance etc). Jesus will get all annoyed at you for that shit.
9. Dinosaurs look badass. Jesus looks like a hobo.
   
   
10. When interviewed, 98.2% of children prefered dinosaurs to Jesus.
    
    
    
    
    
11. Dinosaurs came in a rainbow of colors. Jesus doesn't even like gay people.
12. Dinosaurs know their grammar
    
    
    
    
    
    
    (http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon). How many grammatical mistakes are there in the bible? YEAH TRY READING THE WHOLE THING TO COUNT. HAVE FUN WITH THAT.

Taking It Up the Ass

Important Things That Happen in this Story:

1. Derek Learned to Love Again (Shrimp=<3)

2. Hillary and I remain BFFLs despite our inability to agree on whose car enjoys certain sexual fetishes

3. Sourdough Burgers Turn Me On

Characters:

Hillary

Abby

Mike

Derek

Scene: Applebees/Shaw's Parking Lot

The Beginning:

Mike and I were going out to dinner, and I was all like HILLARY COME so she did because BFFs are there for you like that. Derek was dragged along due to his unfortunate timing. We all arrive at Applebees. Derek hits on Mike a lot, making everyone feel more comfortable and at ease. Then our food arrives, and thoughts of Mike are driven out of Derek's mind as he takes his first bit of the pink, succulent, delicious, juicy Shrimp.

AND THEN

Derek's world is turned UPSIDE DOWN by the Shrimp. Suddenly. he realizes what he felt for Mike was nothing more than a mere child's crush. Suddenly, he understands. The void that he's been feeling ever since his third cousin Louise died has been filled. The Shrimp have taught Derek how to love again.

Jumping, shouting, poetry recitals and awkward sexual Shrimping ensues. A scene is caused, and we are asked to leave the restaurant due to Derek's inability to love his Shrimp in quiet, socially acceptable ways. On to the movie it is!

The Middle:

Hillary and I were both riding in Mr. Miyagi, Hillary's car, because I hate driving. (Background: He has sharpies and post-its on his dashboard, for times such as that night, when important things need to be forever memorialized inside him.) Derek was not the only one who had been sexually stimulated by Applebee's delicious rations. I too felt a certain affinity towards my own meal, sourdough burgers. In fact, I was feeling slightly hot and bothered. It would be safe to say "SOURDOUGH BURGERS TURN ME ON" which I promptly did, on a sticky note which lives on Mr. Miyagi's windshield to this day. (Applebee's isn't even paying us. THIS IS THAT LEGIT)

The End:

There was a movie involved I think, though the details of that situation have escaped me. I was distracted by my continuing sexual attraction to my dinner. After whatever movie we watched, Hillary drove Derek and I back to the Shaw's Parking Lot where my car, Ruby, awaited me. The Shaw's Parking Lot is the Universal Meeting Place of the World. The plan was for Hillary to drop me at my car and then bring Derek home. All would have gone according to plan, if it weren't for Mr. Miyagi's excitement at seeing the gorgeous Ruby. It's understandable, she is beyond sexy. Her glossy red paint, her engine that sounds like a bomb, it's enough to make any man hard. He pulled up right in front of her, and, being a rather sexual lady herself, she gave it to him up the ass (she's a stick shift/gender confused.)

Hillary and I are used to sexual tension between our cars, however on this occasion they took it too far. We both got out, and it was obvious Mr. Miyagi was enjoying it up the ass, but Hillary just wasn't open minded enough to accept him the way he is. She insisted Ruby, dear lovely beautiful Ruby, enjoyed taking it up the ass. She insisted this at full volume. In the Shaw's parking lot. What could I do? I had to defend Ruby's honor! So I too, at full volume, proclaimed Mr. Miyagi's fondness for buttsex. It was quite the spectacle, it continued on for several minutes in a similar fashion. Here's an example of our conversation:

Hillary: YOUR CAR IS SUCH A WHORE.

Abby: WHAT?! YOUR CAR IS A FUCKING BITCH. YOUR CAR IS TAKING IT UP THE ASS.

Hillary: YOUR CAR LIKES IT UP THE ASS. YOUR CAR IS A BITCH. WITH BITCH TITS. FUCKING BITCH WHORE.

Abby: HOW DARE YOU SAY THOSE THINGS ABOUT MY CAR. YOUR CAR IS THE ONE RECEIVING PENIS IN THE BUTT RIGHT NOW. FUCKING CAR PENIS UP YOUR CARS BUTT. SO WHOSE CAR IS THE BITCH NOW? WHOSE THROWING AND WHOSE CATCHING? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT HOE BAG.

As I said, it continued like this for a good 5 or 10 minutes, while Derek watched from the car. It was resolved as follows:

Abby: YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE MY CAR IS SEXY. OH FUCK I GOTTA GO. I TOLD MY MOM I'D BE HOME. SEE YOU LATER BITCH. LOVE YOU

Hillary: SHIT SON! OKAY, YOU WHORE. LOVE YOU TOO

Upon returning to her car and a shell shocked Derek, Hillary was met with the fear, shock and horror of someone who has seen a battle to the death. He was more horrified than if he'd walked in on his parents having sex. He could only stutter, with wide, pain laden eyes, filled with a horror that could never be removed. His pale face and hollow eyes stared at Hillary, and he managed to utter "Are you guys actually mad at each other?" This was obviously met with laughter, of course we weren't mad! We're BFFLs, we've never been mad at each other. Ridiculous Derek. Learning to love makes him say odd things.