So here I am. I am Derek. I believe I was featured in a story that involved Applebees and various other buttsex shenanigans. That's right, I'm that Derek.
The creators of this incredible blog sensibly titled “Dinosaurs like cheesecake too” decided to give me a little section of my own in which I will submit bi-monthly. Since I don't know what the fuck bi-monthly means I am just going to give them an entry whenever the fuck I want. Now I also receive full artistic freedom to write whatever I want. Which is dangerous. It took a few hours of intense editing just to make sure those first lines above wouldn't catapult this blog straight onto the CIA terrorist watch list. You don't even want to know what I took out. In my older days I've grown quite a bit more mature and have learned to filter what I say. Luckily for you, that means this entire column of mine will be void of all poop jokes.*
So first order of business. You the reader (all 3 of you) will be wondering, what does Derek's Corner of Various What-Nots entail? Well, I don't know. I haven't figured it out. Haven't found my chief aim so to speak. I tossed up the idea of having a continuous theme running through these but then I realized that takes work and investment. And I don't like work.... or investment. So instead what we get is exactly what the title says: Various What-Nots. So think of this first one as an introduction. A tour of what is to come. I can promise you that you'll probably learn a shit ton of shit. I'll be sharing with you my philosophical meanderings and general thoughts on the cosmos. Thusly involving, as previously stated “a shit ton of shit.”
But first it would probably be good to get to know me. I am the inventor of many new sciences. The first is one that bases the happiness of a person in direct correlation with the tint of their earwax. I just made it 56 minutes ago and it's already got more credibility then astrology, because everyone knows that astrology is bullshit.
So this entry was quite dull, and for that I apologize. But we are just warming up, getting to know each other first. The ball will get rolling and these things might actually begin to get, dare I say... funny. But until then its like the first time you have sex. Passionless and quick. After reading this you may even itch in a private area for a few weeks as well. But of course you wouldn't know. You're reading a blog (all 3 of you). So until the next bi-month comes around, which for all I know could be a fucking half-century from now, I will continue to wallow in my tears of loneliness and self-despair. It is befitting. So stay ever vigilant my friends, and remain on the look out.... I'll be back.
*Dick-Poop... I lied.
So first order of business. You the reader (all 3 of you) will be wondering, what does Derek's Corner of Various What-Nots entail? Well, I don't know. I haven't figured it out. Haven't found my chief aim so to speak. I tossed up the idea of having a continuous theme running through these but then I realized that takes work and investment. And I don't like work.... or investment. So instead what we get is exactly what the title says: Various What-Nots. So think of this first one as an introduction. A tour of what is to come. I can promise you that you'll probably learn a shit ton of shit. I'll be sharing with you my philosophical meanderings and general thoughts on the cosmos. Thusly involving, as previously stated “a shit ton of shit.”
But first it would probably be good to get to know me. I am the inventor of many new sciences. The first is one that bases the happiness of a person in direct correlation with the tint of their earwax. I just made it 56 minutes ago and it's already got more credibility then astrology, because everyone knows that astrology is bullshit.
Another science I invented is Ology-ology. A week ago me and a few other ology-ologists were awarded a 10 million dollar grant to research the effectiveness of government grants. I am also a world class athlete. I play professionally in the up and coming underground sport called “Extreme Curling.” Instead of brooms we get flame throwers and the field is at an 89 degree angle which we have to ski down while playing. Let's just say lives have been lost. But other then that I'm a real outdoors sort of guy... I'm homeless. The government fucked me in the ass and that's all you need to know in those regards. I can also be pretty sensitive though. Catching on fire hurts like a bitch and I'm man enough to admit it.
So this entry was quite dull, and for that I apologize. But we are just warming up, getting to know each other first. The ball will get rolling and these things might actually begin to get, dare I say... funny. But until then its like the first time you have sex. Passionless and quick. After reading this you may even itch in a private area for a few weeks as well. But of course you wouldn't know. You're reading a blog (all 3 of you). So until the next bi-month comes around, which for all I know could be a fucking half-century from now, I will continue to wallow in my tears of loneliness and self-despair. It is befitting. So stay ever vigilant my friends, and remain on the look out.... I'll be back.
*Dick-Poop... I lied.
No comments:
Post a Comment