I'm going to go to Pandora and I'm going to create a station starting with the song "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."
I will then listen to the next 10 songs.
I will write my thoughts about them here.
I will hopefully not die.
Song 1: If You're Going Through Hell
Rodney Atkins
The first line that strikes me is "Use the needle of your compass/to sew up your broken heart." I admit I was a little thrown off by his beautiful, crooning, below average IQ sounding voice so I may have missed some gems earlier on, but this is a beautiful piece of lyricism to me. The pure genius of taking your compass (Who has a fucking compass?! What are you a boy scout?!) and sewing up your broken heart is beyond me. It actually seems a little Brokeback Mountain: tough guy meets home ec, but is still manly! And the manly advice just keeps coming! "If you're scared don't show it." Why, that's an excellent idea. As long as no one knows you're scared everything will be okay! From this song I've learned that if I'm going through hell to just keep going. Rodney, thank you for your words of wisdom. You have made the world a better place.
Song 2: Beer For My Horses
Toby Keith
Somebody is getting in a lot of trouble in the first verse! Wow, we've got pretty high crime rates up in here ladies and gentleman. Watch out! Oh, but wait! In the second verse "Grandpappy" told "Pappy" to round up all the bad boys. Phew. I don't want to be a spoiler, but I suspect a happy ending if Pappy's on the case! The chorus seems to be in line with my theory! Also, in case anyone was unclear Toby Keith apparently lives in a TV show version of the wild west. Guess what kids! After the shoot out to rescue the beautiful lady we'll all go to the saloon to sing a victory song! And we'll feed our animals alcohol too yay! GOOD MORALS GOING ON UP IN HERE. Inebriating animals? Cool, as long as the bad guy is caught and the humans have stronger alcohol! Oh, now he's bringing Jesus in on this! Well as long as Jesus approves never mind, excellent policing strategies.
Song 3: What Was I Thinkin
Dierks Bentley
She sounds like a keeper buddy. What were you thinking? Ew. Alabama has always screamed sexy to me too, but gosh her Daddy's been to jail! And then you ran from the cops? Suddenly I understand why you were attracted to this lovely piece of trailer trash, your brain seems slightly damaged. I'm going to just throw something out there: Your penis was thinking, you weren't. Though I have trouble faulting your for that one because you're stupid, plenty of guys without brain damage have done the same. This is the part that confuses me: you know her dad is pissed, but you still drop her off and put the car in park? What? Drop her off a block away and make the bitch walk home, dumb ass.
Song 4: Swing
Trace Adkins
Comparing girls to sports? Unheard of. How did you come up with that one? I am impressed. Especially baseball. I can't think of any relationship/baseball comparisons. You are really pushing the limits. First off, no one is ever going to believe you went to Harvard, because stupid people can only go to Harvard if they're rich. And she will never believe you are smart or rich. Pre-med? Right. Okay. At least use believable lies! This is why you didn't get into Harvard in the first place. The real lyrical genius in the chorus is great. The way he alternates saying swing and batter is deep.
Song 5: Be My Baby Tonight
John Michael Montgomery
Really, love at first sight? Wow, that's deep. And highly unlikely you lying bastard. Lust at first sight is real. You're probably experiencing that. Look down, is your penis erect? Yeah, I thought so. Penis =/= love. If your awesome pick up line doesn't get her your grammatical prowess in the chorus sure will. Girls love men who sound like they've never spoken the English language before, it's sexy. The phrase "rhinestone romeo" is very nice too, alliteration everyone! He did make it through sixth grade! He's looking for more than a one night rodeo folks, sorry I must have been wrong. He's going to get down on his knees, there's no way this is lust. This is legit.
Song 6: Watermelon Crawl
Tracy Byrd
Haha, Rind County Watermelon Festival. He made a funny! What exactly is hot enough to make the Devil sigh? That phrase confuses me. Maybe it's because I've never met the Devil the way all these country singers apparently have. Dude, if there are 100 gallons of free wine I will got to a watermelon festival any day. I've never heard of watermelon wine though...interesting? A no drunk driving message thrown in there too, very responsible! Instead of drunk driving dance! That is very logical. Obviously my next method of getting home is dancing. We use it in college all the time. I've waltzed back to my dorm before. I should learn this watermelon crawl, it doesn't sound complex at all for someone who's inebriated.
Song 7: Southern Hallelujah
Trace Adkins
Judging solely by the first verse this is going to be one of those songs that talks about how a specific geographic region of girls are the best, judging by the genre its going to be the south. Obviously all girls in a geographic region can be grouped together. All us girls up here in the north definitely have similar characteristics, we're practically clones. This is a very legitimate way of judging girls. Why, when I meet a guy first thing I do is make sure he isn't from the South. I've always loved that tolerance and care that people from below the Mason-Dixon line have exhibited throughout history. Trace and I do agree on one point, there is something about the way they talk. Southern accents are just so intelligent sounding. It's crazy how every girl from the Carolinas is sweet and hospitable. Maybe they're clones?
Song 8: Back When
Tim McGraw
No, I do not remember the fizz in a pepper. What? Can someone please explain this to me? All I can think of is Dr. Pepper, and I can assure you that it still fizzes. And I'm just gunna let you in on a little secret, Coke is called Coke because it was originally made with Cocaine in it. So shut your little mouth about "when a Coke was a Coke." A Coke was never "just a Coke." Just because you had different slang words doesn't mean people didn't have sex or use drugs or give blow jobs. It just means you had different words for it. So stop judging, bitch. You just can't handle change, this nothing to do with "better times."
Song 9: Hicktown
Jason Aldean
This song has me concerned for the state of America. Riping and rolling is how you get down? You can see the neighbor's butt crack? Eww. Why is everyone smoking?! Why are you teaching your kids that that's okay? Why are you promoting this sort of behavior? CANCER! Also, waste of gas much? These "Hicktowns" seem pretty gas guzzling. No more fancy car judging, when you're ruining yours in mud and wasting gas. Not a renewable resource you know! Something tells me that this isn't the kind of party that's "heard around the world." There's a reason people live in the city, it's to get away from people's smoke and butt cracks.
Song 10: Drinkin Bone
Tracy Byrd
"It's basic honky tonk anatomy" OBVIOUSLY. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Maybe it's one of those things you need to be drunk, or maybe just plain stupid to understand? Because unfortunately "honky tonk anatomy" was one of those things I struggled with in high school. And they don't even offer it in college, I looked! I'm disappointed, it's something I've always wanted to know. Wait, he's going to explain! Oh wow, they should teach this one to preschoolers! It's like the "head bone's connected to the shoulder bone" song, but so much more useful in real life! I enjoy the fact that I can prove his little "obvious life facts" wrong. Down is not always south, it depends where you're standing. Thirty two degrees isn't freezing cold on the Celsius scale, you ethnocentric douche. Have you ever been to a circus? Those bitches play with lots of fire, and they appear to be unscathed. And trust me, knowing your honky tonk anatomy is NOT the most important thing you need to know. No wonder Asia is producing so many more engineers and shit, this is what Americans think it's important to teach their kids? We are officially screwed.
No comments:
Post a Comment