Taking It Up the Ass

Important Things That Happen in this Story:

1. Derek Learned to Love Again (Shrimp=<3)

2. Hillary and I remain BFFLs despite our inability to agree on whose car enjoys certain sexual fetishes

3. Sourdough Burgers Turn Me On

Characters:

Hillary

Abby

Mike

Derek

Scene: Applebees/Shaw's Parking Lot

The Beginning:

Mike and I were going out to dinner, and I was all like HILLARY COME so she did because BFFs are there for you like that. Derek was dragged along due to his unfortunate timing. We all arrive at Applebees. Derek hits on Mike a lot, making everyone feel more comfortable and at ease. Then our food arrives, and thoughts of Mike are driven out of Derek's mind as he takes his first bit of the pink, succulent, delicious, juicy Shrimp.

AND THEN

Derek's world is turned UPSIDE DOWN by the Shrimp. Suddenly. he realizes what he felt for Mike was nothing more than a mere child's crush. Suddenly, he understands. The void that he's been feeling ever since his third cousin Louise died has been filled. The Shrimp have taught Derek how to love again.

Jumping, shouting, poetry recitals and awkward sexual Shrimping ensues. A scene is caused, and we are asked to leave the restaurant due to Derek's inability to love his Shrimp in quiet, socially acceptable ways. On to the movie it is!

The Middle:

Hillary and I were both riding in Mr. Miyagi, Hillary's car, because I hate driving. (Background: He has sharpies and post-its on his dashboard, for times such as that night, when important things need to be forever memorialized inside him.) Derek was not the only one who had been sexually stimulated by Applebee's delicious rations. I too felt a certain affinity towards my own meal, sourdough burgers. In fact, I was feeling slightly hot and bothered. It would be safe to say "SOURDOUGH BURGERS TURN ME ON" which I promptly did, on a sticky note which lives on Mr. Miyagi's windshield to this day. (Applebee's isn't even paying us. THIS IS THAT LEGIT)

The End:

There was a movie involved I think, though the details of that situation have escaped me. I was distracted by my continuing sexual attraction to my dinner. After whatever movie we watched, Hillary drove Derek and I back to the Shaw's Parking Lot where my car, Ruby, awaited me. The Shaw's Parking Lot is the Universal Meeting Place of the World. The plan was for Hillary to drop me at my car and then bring Derek home. All would have gone according to plan, if it weren't for Mr. Miyagi's excitement at seeing the gorgeous Ruby. It's understandable, she is beyond sexy. Her glossy red paint, her engine that sounds like a bomb, it's enough to make any man hard. He pulled up right in front of her, and, being a rather sexual lady herself, she gave it to him up the ass (she's a stick shift/gender confused.)

Hillary and I are used to sexual tension between our cars, however on this occasion they took it too far. We both got out, and it was obvious Mr. Miyagi was enjoying it up the ass, but Hillary just wasn't open minded enough to accept him the way he is. She insisted Ruby, dear lovely beautiful Ruby, enjoyed taking it up the ass. She insisted this at full volume. In the Shaw's parking lot. What could I do? I had to defend Ruby's honor! So I too, at full volume, proclaimed Mr. Miyagi's fondness for buttsex. It was quite the spectacle, it continued on for several minutes in a similar fashion. Here's an example of our conversation:

Hillary: YOUR CAR IS SUCH A WHORE.

Abby: WHAT?! YOUR CAR IS A FUCKING BITCH. YOUR CAR IS TAKING IT UP THE ASS.

Hillary: YOUR CAR LIKES IT UP THE ASS. YOUR CAR IS A BITCH. WITH BITCH TITS. FUCKING BITCH WHORE.

Abby: HOW DARE YOU SAY THOSE THINGS ABOUT MY CAR. YOUR CAR IS THE ONE RECEIVING PENIS IN THE BUTT RIGHT NOW. FUCKING CAR PENIS UP YOUR CARS BUTT. SO WHOSE CAR IS THE BITCH NOW? WHOSE THROWING AND WHOSE CATCHING? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT HOE BAG.

As I said, it continued like this for a good 5 or 10 minutes, while Derek watched from the car. It was resolved as follows:

Abby: YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE MY CAR IS SEXY. OH FUCK I GOTTA GO. I TOLD MY MOM I'D BE HOME. SEE YOU LATER BITCH. LOVE YOU

Hillary: SHIT SON! OKAY, YOU WHORE. LOVE YOU TOO

Upon returning to her car and a shell shocked Derek, Hillary was met with the fear, shock and horror of someone who has seen a battle to the death. He was more horrified than if he'd walked in on his parents having sex. He could only stutter, with wide, pain laden eyes, filled with a horror that could never be removed. His pale face and hollow eyes stared at Hillary, and he managed to utter "Are you guys actually mad at each other?" This was obviously met with laughter, of course we weren't mad! We're BFFLs, we've never been mad at each other. Ridiculous Derek. Learning to love makes him say odd things.