Greetings, Earthlings!

Hello to all our lovely and dedicated readers,

We have had a long absence, and it's good to know that some of you are still here with us. I want to take a moment to do a special shout-out to the very special reader who found our page by: FIRST image searching "man thongs at walmart" and SECOND clicking on our lovely image of a thong (from this post). You found us by accident, but I hope you're still reading, and that you found some acceptable thongs at your nearby Walmart.

So many things have happened since I've last talked to you blog... Jimmy kissed me! I got a B on a math test! My mom bought me a new sweater! (Only one of those things is true.) Anyway, it's been a while. Before we continue to our regularly scheduled programming I'd just like to take a moment to update you.

The day after the curling post: I was admitted to the hospital. No curling for Abby. Sadness all around. Look forward to a highly exaggerated version of the story at some point in the future.

A month after the curling post: I go to Israel for a month to take classes! Yay!

Two months after the curling post: I arrive home from Israel and bum around for a while

Three weeks after that: I start a new job!

Two months after that (now): I am bored.

Now that we're all caught up on each other's lives, let's get down to business. I'm sure everyone is eagerly awaiting the conclusion to the curling story (plus the side quest hospital visit!), more mad libs, awesome pictures of weird things found at goodwill, and my never ending wit. I guess I'll write some of those posts. We've also got some guest posts lined up for you guys.

Before any of those happen though, I noticed that we're 2/3 of the way though 2011, and I thought it might be a good time to check in on those New Years Predictions we made, and see what else we can look forward to in the next 4 months.

1. JBeebz did indeed sell his hair on the internet for millions. Shit I am good. But he gave the proceeds to charity so props to him there!

2. I don't know if America realized Oprah is lame, but Oprah realized it! Okay this didn't quite come true, but Oprah is no longer on air and Ellen is in her slot, so I'm calling this one a victory. Congratulations America, you did it!

3. I think it's another win for America that this one didn't happen! Sarah  Palin is too busy being a reality tv star to be president.

4. As far as I know Miley's been kinda lame this year. Whatever.

5. Fingers crossed.

6. Suri Cruise doesn't have a music video yet, and I haven't thought about whipping my hair in months, so I feel good about this one.

7. We were so close, but then he went and released his birth certificate. Clearly forged.

8. New York state! Yay!

9. It's coming.

10. Just wait. Be prepared.

11. Some google research on this one tells me that the suicide rate went up in 2011, but apparently it's related to the economy. Also there's an increase in military suicudes. A google of "Harry Potter suicide rate" tells me that there was this one guy who heard a plot spoiler for the movie (hello, it's called THE BOOK) and killed himself. That's pretty much all I'm getting so it seems like this didn't come true. Though, there hasn't been that much time to collect data. I'll get back to you. I was pretty sad when it all ended to be honest. Went to the movie at midnight dressed like a snitch! Peter/Justin/Thomas if you're out there, you are super cool!

12. Fucking never. :)


There you have it people! Be prepared for the next 4 months!

Cornelius Undermines Riotous Life-sucking Imps & Never Gloats: CURLING

Hilldawg and I plus Charleston Chill (why am I the only one without an awesome name?) are going TO A CURLING TOURNAMENT this weekend. We're going to watch our super awesome friend BE A CURLER. THRILLING! We are all super excited about what I am sure will be the most awe-inspiring, insane, thrilling, orgasmic moment of our lives.

So, here's the dealio: we're going to talk to you now about what we hypothesize curling is like, then we're going to tell you what it was like IN REAL LIFE after we have been to the tournament. We'll take detailed notes, so our observations are accurate.

First, we will briefly outline the origins of curling, so you learn things from dinocheesecake!

The year is 1879, and Canada is overrun with flesh-eating pigs. A young Cornelius Longfellows the 18th, our rugged hero, surveys the barren land. Since it’s Canada and not America, there are no weapons. Just Canadians and rocks. “I ought to let the pigs just destroy everything, so we can do something productive with this land,” thought Cornelius. But he wanted desperately to carry the Longfellow name into Canadian history (Canada has history?), so he was determined to subdue the wild beasts. He realized the only weapons Canadians have are the flaming rocks that dot the countryside, yet never seem to melt the ice that engulfs the entire country. How can the Canadians use the flaming rocks to defeat the pigs?!

Cornelius knows he can’t do it alone, he’ll need to train an army. He rounds up all 34 Canadian citizens and holds a flaming rock sliding workshop. The best way to take out the pigs is to slide a rock along the ice and wipe out their feet, then when they fall on the rock they catch on fire! However, in the midst of the workshop Cornelius makes a terrible discovery. The rocks do not have enough force to wipe out one of the beastly monsters, they just snivel at the rocks with their fangs bared, and then they ATTACK.

Hurriedly, Cornelius improvises “What else do we have in this gosh darned country other than flaming rocks, evil pigs and ice?! BROOMS!” Incidentally, Canadian women were famous for sweeping all the time, because they had nothing to better to do. “WOMEN, GET YOUR BROOMS!” commanded Cornelius in his rusty baritone voice. Then he grabbed the nearest girl, Gretel, and whispered in her ear “Except you. You stay right here with me baby. I’ll keep you safe,” as he caressed her bosom gently. She felt him swell beneath her. “Oh Cornelius,” she gasped, “there’s a pig right behind you!” He turned quickly, and melted it with his eyes. But the moment was lost, and all the women had returned with their brooms anyway.

“Okay, now men, I want you to throw the flaming rocks at the pigs! Be careful, you won’t have many shots to take each one out. Ladies, I want you to sweep the Canadian Wasteland furiously in front of the rocks, so they gain speed and kill the evil demons!” Everyone took positions in preparation for the final battle, and Gretel gave Cornelius a back rub. As she massaged his wonderful, strong, muscular body, she whispered seductively in his ear “The way you throw flaming rocks at the flesh eating pigs gets me so wet Cornelius. I want you to take me like you take the pigs - angry and hard.” But once again, they were distracted as the pigs surrounded the igloo they had been using as their base, and the beginning of the end began.

The men threw flaming rocks like they were Americans! The women swept like they were Canadians! Cornelius alone took out four baby fanged pigs with a single boulder the size of his boulder (if you know what I mean). One by one, the pigs squealed their last, flesh eating squeal, as they burned in Canadian rock flames. As Cornelius destroyed the final pig while Gretel gave him a blow job the entire country (all 16 that were still alive) erupted into cheers, and he erupted on Gretel’s face (if you know what I mean).

And that, boys and girls, is how curling was invented!

Now, every year to celebrate Cornelius’s wonderful deeds, Canadians give each other blow jobs. And also, they whined a lot, so now curling is in the Olympics! It’s the only sport Canada has ever won!

Adult Mad Libs: Your Internet Profile

I've got a bit of a cold recently, which left me slightly bored this weekend. So Hillary and I did a shit ton of adult mad libs, which I will now post in regular installments for your enjoyment.

Your Internet Profile

Why You Should Get to Know Me: I'm a cheeky Mongoose who likes to party like a rock star! I have gorgeous cankles and a moist wit.

Who I'm Looking For: Someone who is sluttily sophisticated, who has traveled around the meth lab and speaks many repulsive languages. It won't hurt if he looks like Justin Beiber. But appearances aren't everything. He should also have a very rough bank account.

Three Things I Can't Live Without: A good ski mask to read, my cell hand cuffs, and my fancy curiosity.

Best Lie I've Ever Told: "I left my buttonhole in my other Mary Poppins, Officer!"

Place I Wish I Were Right Now: In the tear ducts of a loving wonderland

God, I want to date me!!

Boston, People in Your City Have Nose Piercings.

So, I have a cold. Stupid person gave everyone a fucking cold. So I wake up this morning, and blow my nose, and then I realize "Hey! My nose stud is no longer in my face! AHA!" So I'm like "shit." So I decide I had it when I went to lovely boyfriends to sleep last night so it must have fallen out in bed. So I look in the bed, but nose ring is no where to be found. I don't know what to do, panic is rising in my chest! "Where could it have gone? Did it not love me? Is that why it left? Were we not happy together? DID I TOUCH IT INAPPROPRIATELY TO OFTEN?!" So, I look around the room, and give it up as a lost cause. The problem is, it's a fairly new piercing, only a few months, and I'm afraid it will close up. So I return to my room and move the earing that was in my cartilage to my nose. But I can't put the back on it, so it's just kinda dangling around in there, hanging out. So I shower and Hillary and I decide to go to Panera. Then, AFTER we've finished eating our food we decide "Let's invite this cool guy who we know who likes Panera! YAY!" So, cool guy is invited, says he'll be there soon. THEN we decide to invite other awesome friend who is also friends with cool guy. The two arrive shortly later, and eat. Now we've spent a good two hours at Panera. But then we just end up chatting about shit for an hour or so. Geting laid at Comicon, Liz Lemon, how Community BLEW OUR FUCKING MINDS THIS WEEK, Princess Leia's metal bikini, you know, important stuff. We also moved tables several times. Okay, only once. But still, the situation was ridiculous. So then we're like okay, maybe we should actually look for nose rings in the lovely city of Boston, which is why we left the room in the first place. But I'm lazy and don't want to go far, so we walk to Newbury street. The only place on Newbury street that might sell body jewelry is Newbury Comics, so we hit it up. Here's the problem: I want a 18 gauge labret. WELL THE CITY OF BOSTON DOESN'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE. They only have 16 gauge, and I don't want to make my hole any bigger! I want to have a real job someday! (Fuck you world). So, we decide to check out a few other stores, nothing. Plan B: the mall in Cambridge. We figure it's a mall, they'll have a Claire's and various other jewelry stores and shit. But SURPRISE MBTA is an asshole. NO. FUCKING. WAY. So we get kicked off our train because it's going to fuck itself (but really its going out of service) and then the next EIGHTEEN THOUSAND trains that come are also out of service (okay only 3, fuck you). So FINALLY another train comes and we board it and make it to the mall. But we almost die because it's so icy. Lovely weather we've been having lately Boston. Love you too Global Fucking Climate Change. We go to Claire's. ALL 16 GAUGE. FINE CLAIRE'S. WE WILL TAKE OUR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE. So, we hit up Piercing Pagoda, because it turns out there isn't a Hot Topic in this mall - of course we went to the only fucking mall in America without a Hot Topic. Where are all the tools going to hang out? Claire's probably. So, guess what? Oh, yeah, Piercing Pagoda only has 16 gauge too. Cool, cool. I'm just going to go blow up Mars now. Well, Massholes, New Hampshire just schooled the shit out of you, since I know like 6 places to get them in NH. So I decide to just get some other kind that you like bend or something, and to have Hillary MAIL ME ONE FROM NH. WE DON'T HAVE TAX THERE SO IT WILL PROBABLY BE CHEAPER ANYWAY. But anyway,I'm super paranoid it's going to fall out, so I keep touching it, so I'm probably going to make it fall out. Fuck you Boston. Go die. I'm moving to the equator.

Why Nascar is the Most Horrible Thing Ever

An Explanation of Why Liking Nascar Makes You A Terrorist

Nascar, for those lucky souls who don't know, is a "sport" where people drive around a track. Really fast. There are a lot of them, and they try to finish like 8000 laps first. It's all very exciting, really (not really). There are thousands of reasons Nascar is terrible, and I will probably expand on them in future posts. I have a lot to say about Nascar. However, in this post I will focus on why liking Nascar basically makes you a terrorist. Might as well put on your Jimmie Johnson hat (he's number one right now I think. Just googled that shit)and go blow up planes or something. Here's why:

Unlike other sports, Nascar does not rely on your physical fitness. (If anyone who reads this blog [does anyone read this blog?] likes Nascar, they will be indignantly thinking "Nascar requires physical abilities!" People say this. I have never done Nascar, nor do I plan to, so I can not attest to this. It does seem like it would take some small amount of skill, however, not physical fitness. So calm down) Instead of exercising and protein powder and steroids, Nascar is fueled by gasoline. Think how much gas it takes for about 500 cars to go around a miles track 8000 times (Just tried to look up accurate information so I could do legit math, but its too confusing. All the races are different lengths and shit) Anyway the point is, the use a lot of gas. Good for the planet guys, real great. I feel global warming accelerate every time there's a Nascar race. But that's not even the point. The point is this. Let's say Nascar uses a zillion gallons of gas a season (that sounds accurate, right?). Where is that gas coming from? I bet you some of it comes from Middle Eastern oil. I bet a lot of it does. And, since we Americans know all Middle Easterners are terrorists, ESPECIALLY the ones selling the oil, supporting a sport that needlessly (they're not even going anywhere! They do like 185 laps around THE SAME 2.66 mile track) uses a zillion gallons of gas, which the terrorists make money off of selling America CLEARLY MEANS ANYONE WHO SUPPORTS NASCAR IS ALSO SUPPORTING THE TERRORISTS AND DOESN'T LOVE AMERICA. Consider that next time you see a Nascar fan. And let them know how you feel about it. It's time to take back America!

Predictions for the New Year!

Ok, just want to clear one thing up before I start this off. 2011 is not the start of a new decade. That was 2010. Just so we're all on the same page here.

So, instead of New Years Resolutions (lame) I like to make New Years predictions! It's more exciting when the pressure is off you to make them come true. So here goes:

1. Justin Beiber will cut his hair and sell it on the internet for billions. Or get murdered by a stalker.

2. America will realize Oprah is lame and Ellen is better!

3. Sarah Palin will start a committee to explore the possibility of running in 2012 (or an exploratory committee, or whatever they're called), and they will report that yes, America is stupid enough to vote for her.

4. Miley Cyrus will do something even more scandalous. But what?! Drugs, alcohol, sex...what will she do now? I'm eager to find out.

5. This blog will become super famous and Ellen will invite us on her show to dance!

6. Everyone will forget who Willow Smith is. Or she'll be upstaged by a fetus.

7. Americans will discover proof that Barack Obama really is an African Muslim out to take over the world. They knew it all along!

8. Gay rights. I feel like this is going to be a good year for them. I'm hoping for a lot of advances. (I'm totally serious on this one.)

9. Weed will be decriminalized! It already is in Mass, and I think possibly other places, but I think there's going to be more decriminalization happening this year. Which is actually really stupid. If the government has decided they don't really care that much if we're going to smoke weed, they really need to go all out, legalize it, and regulate it. Make a freaking weed tax and start cutting down the deficit! Of course, that is if the government wanted to maximize it's own interests. Apparently it has the best interests of smokers at heart, and decriminalization is the way to go.

10. The garden gnomes will launch the rebellion they've been plotting for centuries, and finally take us over. Then the unicorns will finally be able to come out of hiding, and humans will all turn into zombies. Be prepared people.

11. The suicide rate will spike after the last Harry Potter movie because, really, now that HP is over what do we have to live for anymore?

12. Fanny packs will come back in style. They've been biding their time for ages, and it is their turn to shine!