Qubits

As a Christmas present I wrote you a story!

Once up on a time there was a qubit named Sparky. He had a brother named Ryan who was a jerk. They lived on a farm where people made maple sugar candy and cows.

In Vermont. The Farm was in Vermont.

They ate granola for breakfast and qubits for dinner. Sparky and Rocky and Ryan didn’t want to get eaten in an oatmeal flavored crème brule. They went to Canada for a pancake eating party!!

No one would eat the Qubit gang then! Everyone loved pancakes! The gang decided to take pancakes and make quesadillas using the syrupy delicious golden pancakes instead of tortillas. They were at a Canadian circus. One of the qubits was flown out of the rocket grenade launcher. He was whooshed all the way to the ninth planet in the solar system, Pluto. Because Pluto is a planet!

He was in synch with this other qubit lass named Marla. She was all the way in Kentucky! (Fried Chciken [yummy] and the state) quibits were deliclous but people didn’t even know it! Do they still call it Kentucky Fried Chicken on Kentucky? Or is Kentucky just assumed and do thy call it friend chicken?

But they stayed linked, and all *INSYNC because it was the nineties and shit like that happened. With marionettes.

They stayed in love forever and ever till the very end when nothing that was left but a black hole. Then they had sex and they made a tiny baby named Noah and let me tell you that guy started shit. And build boats and shit.

He went to Harvard and led the rowing team to first 4 years in a row!! Dang, shawty! They all lived happily Ever After the end And then princess sparkle cupcake went to Disney land and during the fireworks she learned to fly. Woosh

Holiday Concerts

I recently attended my younger sisters high school holiday concert. The band was lovely, the chorus sang, it was super lame. There was also some totally unnecessary behavior going on. It's a high school band/chorus concert, not a Jbeebz concert people. After witnessing such behavior I have created a guide of how to properly act at a high school concert, so everyone is clear on the appropriate way to behave.

1. Song Selection
This one is for you Mr. High School Music Director. I know you think you're awesome and you're conducting the symphony or something, but you're not. You're actually working in a public high school. It's actually totally inappropriate to feature 4 highly religious songs at a public high school concert. Especially if no other religions were included. I don't want to hear Silent Night! Not everyone there believes Christ the Savior was born. Let's keep it PC people.

2. Teenagers in the Audience
It's cute that you have a crush on that tuba player, but don't scream his name after the jazz band plays. I think the whole audience agrees it was great, he did a great job etc. Screaming his name is embarrassing everyone honey. Especially you. And him. And us. Please don't. Just like tell him how awesome his hair looks after the concert's over or something.

3. Other people in the audience
Parents, I know those girls are annoying. I agree with you. See, I just told them to stop! DO NOT TAKE THEIR YELLING AS A CHALLENGE TO YELL LOUDER. Seriously, you're supposed to be the mature ones. If your child was embarrassed when that girl yelled he's 14000 times more embarrassed when you scream his name like you're fifteen and he's Edward Cullen. Also, saying things like "I can yell louder than those bitches" during the silent gaps - totally not cool. Let's act like the adults that we are.

4. Band/Chorus students
Let's dress the part guys. You're performing in front of people. Don't dress like you're homeless, or like you're a vampire or something like that. Find a subtle way to make a statement. I'm all for individuality, but look presentable too. No need to dress like you're working the nearest street corner after the show. At least I'm not horrified and offended by the girl who looks like a grandmother, I just think it's funny. If you're unsure always err on the side of too conservative, not too slutty/original/noticeable.

Also, to both students and teachers: lets think about instrument choice. Harps? Really? I've got a harp section in the post about the symphony that I'm still working on. You are like 100 miles away from the symphony. Let the jazz band and the wind ensemble play deck the halls and then let's be done. You're trying to be way fancier than you are, and it just looks kind of sad and makes me feel bad for you, and also makes it hard for me to look, because I get uncomfortable when people are trying to hard. I close my eyes during after school specials a lot too.

I hope everyone reads this post and reflects on it, so we can improve the quality of future Christmas concerts. As I am forced to go to them, I would really appreciate it.

GOODWILL GOLD

Hey kids, Hillary here, bringing you the first of my monthly posts about something I like to call "Goodwill Gold"! First, some background info for my less informed (or new!) readers:

I am an avid thrift store shopper. Thrift stores provide a unique shopping experience that compares no to no other. In fact, it's not even really shopping. It's more like a treasure hunt. You have to dig through mountains of old out-dated clothes to find anything even remotely wearable. What's the purpose, you ask? Well, dear reader, sometimes you find yourself some Goodwill Gold! Now, Goodwill Gold is not always something stylish, or even on trend. No, the best items are the most ridiculous, heinous, or just plain ineffable. Today I am going to provide a list of my top 5 examples of Goodwill Gold.

5. The Boat Tee

Carefree As A Cruise Ship!!

4. The Houndstooth Skirt Suit

For the career woman who wants to get noticed.

3. The Bird Jumpsuit

It's smurf blue. It's got birds on it. IT'S A ONESIE GUYS.

2. The Bon Jovi Boots

Fresh from the 80's, these boots are the epitome of awesome. Their cool factor only increased when I realized that I had a concert tee that depicted Bon Jovi wearing THE EXACT SAME BOOTS. And to top it all off, they were $3. Beat that.

1. Framed Sam Adams Commemorative Beer Box

Someone, somewhere, actually felt the need to frame part of a beer box. Genius!!

Dinosaurs Were God's First Plan

Or,

Reasons Jesus Was Probably Originally A Dinosaur. I suspect a triceratops.

Anyone remember that story in the bible about Noah? The one where God floods everything and kills everyone except for Noah and his family and his zoo boat? Yeah you know what I'm talking about. So, when God gets mad he kills everyone. Hmm. Anyone remember that thing where ALL of another species died out? I believe it was a meteor that time, but the world ending catastrophe still went down. So here's the deal: I'm pretty sure God tried dinosaurs first. But then they were all aggressive, and some of them ate each other and shit, and probably had premarital sex and were gay etc, and just generally didn't believe in God. Also, they probably just weren't as effective. How were they supposed to write the bible without opposable thumbs?Though, I struggle to imagine how they could have screwed the world up as much as we have without opposable thumbs, so God's standards must have just gone down recently. Anyway, he got mad at his creations for being immoral little bitches, and he decided to teach them a lesson. He sent the meteor and wiped them all out, and decided to try again. I mean, no one's prefect right? We can't all be expected to get everything right the first time. He did well with water, plants, all that jazz, he just tried again with dinos. But he was so upset with them for sucking that he made them in a totally different image. I suspect God is really a dinosaur, and he just wanted to make us feel good so he said he made us in his image too. It's like when you tell your second child you love them as much as your first child. We all know you don't.

The reason we're still here and dinosaurs aren't is actually our opposable thumbs. God was so impressed with the hardware he created he was less upset that the software was still not up to par. First he tried Noah, because let's be honest, a reboot can almost always fix the problem. When that didn't work he just sent us Jesus and called it good. He's like a hotline. You talk to him if you're having an emergency, if not hopefully we can work it out on our own. You've got to admit it, the opposable thumbs are impressive.

We Live in the City and We Hate You: A Guest Blog by Charleston Chill

Hi Internet, my name is Charles, and you may not call me Chuck. (And definitely not Chaz.) Abby asked me to do a guest post on her blog, and I was happy to oblige. It wasn't hard to think of what I was going to write about. So here goes. I have now been living in Boston for 11 months. This is a long enough time for me to become one of those snobby city people who doesn't like you. Yes, you. I thought I would enumerate some of things people do that I don't like.

Number one: crossing the street while cars are trying to get by. There is a traffic system. Here's how it works: when there's a red light, the cars have to stop. This is an appropriate time to cross the street. If there is a green light, but no cars are approaching, that's also an appropriate time to cross the street. If there's a green light and a dozen cars are trying to get through the intersection and you walk in front of them anyways, that is not an appropriate time to cross the street. Also, as soon as one person does this, another twenty people follow, because at that point the cars are forced to stop, and by the time all the pedestrians clear the intersection, half of the green light has been wasted, so only half as many cars can get through before it turns red again. This ruins the traffic system, people. You pedestrians are not so special that you get to walk across the street whenever the hell you want. You have to follow the rules, just like cars. And these aren't just rules like they have in elementary school just because grown-ups like to make rules, these are rules that speed up the traffic system for everybody, cars and pedestrians, if they are properly followed. Okay? Follow the rules, and you'll get to where you're going faster.

That brings me to my second complaint. People say Boston drivers are aggressive. (By the way, anyone who says that hasn't walked around Manhattan, or they wouldn't be complaining about Boston drivers any more.) But compared to the pedestrians and bicyclists in this city, the drivers seem like saints. They're the only group that thinks the rules of the road apply to them. Now, I've already dealt with pedestrians, so it's time to give the bicyclists some of my scorn. First of all, while it may not be technically illegal to ride your bike on the sidewalk, it's not okay. Weaving through pedestrians at 15 miles an hour, barely missing people's elbows with your handlebars,
all while acting like it's their fault for not getting out of your way makes you nothing less than an asshole. Just yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk with Abby and some dude on a bike whooshes by us, coming dangerously close to her. I gave a feeble attempt at heckling after him "There's a road!" but I don't think he heard me. Luckily most bikers are not, in fact, that stupid, and usually do ride on the road. This is good. What is not good is that they somehow have the idea that they don't have to stop at red lights, or signal when they're turning, or do any of the things that other vehicles do. On several occasions I have waited for a red light to cross the road, walked in front of the stopped cars, then just as I was passing the last car, almost get run over by a biker thinking he's Lance fucking Armstrong barreling down Mass Ave at 25 miles an hour. Every time that happens I wish he or she would clip me with their handlebars so they'd hit the ground. Besides being illegal, it's extremely dangerous and very stupid. The root of the problem here is that bikers have a bad attitude. They can go faster than pedestrians, and often cars, and apparently this makes them feel like bad-asses who don't follow the rules, just like how John Lennon didn't follow the rules. Well, self-appointed bad-asses, look what happened to John Lennon. Bicyclists need to slow down, respect other people's safety, and follow the same rules as everybody else.

Now for something a little different. We're going underground this time. Specifically, the subway system. As a resident of Boston and a person who cannot afford to take a cab everywhere, I take the train a lot. It seems to like the vast majority of the other people on the train are also experienced train riders, so you'd think they'd all know the etiquette, but this is not the case. See, it's really simple. When the train doors open, there's a procedure. First, people on the train should immediately begin to step off in a calm and orderly fashion. People in the back of the queue should calmly wait for people in front of them to get off, and not attempt to push past them. Everyone in front of you is trying to get off the train too, lady, you're not that special. People on the platform should give way to the people exiting the train. As soon as the last person leaves the train, people on the platform should calmly board it. When the last person gets on, the driver will close the doors. That is the system. Any deviance from that system will likely double the amount of time the train's going to be sitting at the station, which is pretty annoying. Examples of people I have witnessed violate the system: people being too pushy trying to get off the train (as I already mentioned), people being too pushy getting on the train (the most common issue), people not queuing up inside the train or on the platform before the doors open (we're not sitting here so you can have nice long think about what you want to do), people who let the train doors close on them (this is almost always their fault for waiting around until everyone else is settled, so the driver start to close the doors, then they finally decide to go for it), and lastly people who complain to the driver about the doors closing on them (if you're thinking about complaining to the driver about something, it's probably your fault). Here's the thing. I'm really a pretty understanding person, so if you weren't a city resident, I wouldn't mind that you didn't have the subway routine down pat. But I'm pretty sure like 99% of people on the subway are Boston residents who have had years to learn the procedure, so I have no sympathy for them.

On that note, some discussion about residents versus visitors. First, I can tell the difference between the two immediately. Now, most visitors don't make any effort to hide their naïveté, which is fine. But there's one demographic that's different, and that's high schoolers from the suburbs. They act like they own the whole city, but their arrogance gives them away. I was once a high schooler from the Boston suburbs, envious of city folk and their superior lifestyle (seriously), so I understand these people's thoughts, but that does not excuse their actions. Let me explain. The very first time you ride the subway in your life, you'll probably be caught off guard by the rough motion of the train. Luckily there are bars and handles everywhere to hold onto so you don't stumble when the train moves. So after the first time, you should know that you have to hold on. Well, these suburban kids don't seem to know this, and it's highly unlikely it's their first time ever on the train. The waltz onto the train in a pack, laughing, talking loudly, thinking they're hot shit because they're out on the town without their parents, and generally being a little obnoxious. They make no effort to move down the train to make space for other people getting on behind them. Then, (and this is what I hate), the train starts to move, and they all stumble, fall into each other, and generally look very un-cool. How do they react to this? Depends on the gender. Girls think it's hilarious. Giggles all around. Isn't it so funny that we're clueless enough to almost fall over? No, ladies, it's not funny. It's just embarrassing. Not the funny kind of outrageous embarrassing, just the slightly pathetic kind. Guys, on the other hand, act like it didn't happen. They're too worried about staying chill toacknowledge a break in their chill demeanor, and the rules about accidentally touching your guy friends apply: you pretend it didn't happen. Now, after everyone falls, the girls will usually realized their mistake and grab something to hold on to, but the guys still won't, because then they'd be implicitly admitting they needed to hold onto something to keep their balance and implying they made a mistake by not grabbing on before, and that is so not macho. So they just keeping standing there, convinced their masculinity is so great that it will overcome mechanical physics. This is particularly sad because only smug 16 year old guys in over-sized Bruins hats think that they need to show off their asculinity to strangers on the subway, and in failing this, lose any man-points they may have had. See the tired-looking guy sitting in the corner with an old briefcase? He's just worked hard all day to support his family, and now he's going home to spend a few hours with his kids before they go to bed. He's the most man of anyone on the train, and you kids have no idea how much you suck compared to him. Now, I knew a lot of guys like that in high school, and I may have even been one of them. But that doesn't excuse the behavior. So kids: hold onto the bars. You're going to fall over. It's just science.

If I could summarize this and other gripes about city life, it boils down to two things: follow the rules, and if you think you're cool, you're not. I hope readers don't think I'm a hateful person. I'm not really, this is pretty much the extend of the animosity I harbor. And now back to your regularly schedule blogging. Thank you for your time.

Harry Potter Should Really Be Called Neville Longbottom

I know, all the girls are giving me death glares now. They're all "WHO WAS IT WHO DEFEATED VOLDEMORT?!" Well guess what bitches- it's really Neville who always saves the day.

Sorcerer's Stone:

Who is it who tries to keep our 3 trouble makers from leaving and getting Gryffindor house into more trouble? My man L-Botts over here.

Also, let's think back ladies and gents- who was it who's 10 points for Gryffindor won them the house cup? Oh yeah, Neville. FOR STANDING UP TO HIS FRIENDS TO PROTECT THEM.

Never mind this whole book by book analysis, I don't feel like reading every book again to find all the examples of why Neville is actually the one who rocks my socks off. Let's cut straight to the chase:

Who were the two children who could have been of the prophecy? Oh yeah Harry AND NEVILLE. Neville was just as much the chosen one as Harry, except his parents actually managed to survive their attacks. Stronger blood line there?

Who do you think has it harder, Harry with no parents, or Neville who has to see his parents reduced to insanity? Harry can just think about how awesome it would be if he had parents. Neville would probably suffer less if his parents just didn't give him presents, rather than candy wrappers. That's got to be hard on a kid. Yet, while Neville is suffering quite possibly more than Harry is, does he have little teenage angst sessions? Does he hate on his BFFs and throw temper tantrums? Nope, he and Trevor just hang out and be awesome.

Who is it who deals with the Carrows and defends the students of Hogwarts and rallies against Voldemort's prescence in Hogwarts while our bro Harry is off wandering around, being angsty, and accomplishing nothing but getting himself into trouble and following foolish dreams of bringing his parents back while Voldemort is destroying the world? Oh yeah L-Botts again. No way. Also, who actually figured out how to use the Room of Requirement?

Who is it who is in charge of finishing off Voldey (well, Nagini) if Harry dies? Yep, Nevs. So basically, when Harry screws up it's Neville's job to fix shit so Voldemort can still be defeated. No freaking way. And when Harry is "dead" and Voldemort is gloating, and everyone is mourning, who is it who charges Voldemort? Neville never accepts defeat.. He's still fighting, even though the consequences are dire. He gets lit on fire, and he never gives up. And then, he breaks free of Voldemort's curse, pulls the sword of Godric Gryffindor out of the hat and kills Nagini. I'm getting shivers just thinking about it. Bam just like that. Let's be honest, old Volds was basically done right there. Neville is saving all the shit.

Moral of the story: while Harry is being angsty and "defeating Voldemort" Neville is in the background getting shit done, and generally being the better, under appreciated boy-who-also-lived. You know it's true. Also house elves. They never get enough credit.

Willow Smith, I Find You Disturbing

Anyone else a little perturbed by Willow Smith's song Whip My Hair? I mean seriously, the girl is 9! I thought JBeebz was young, but this shit is getting ridiculous. And let's be honest, girl never would have any song at all if it weren't for her famous daddie.

Let's look at some of the lyrics:

First of all, we get it. You're whipping your hair. No need to repeat it 7 more times. If you're watching the video you can see it too. The meaning is clear. Shut up and move on.

"Hop up out the bed turn my swag on"

Umm what? You have swag? You're nine. Do you even know what swag is? You should have a princess backpack, not swag.

"Pay no attention to them haters cuz we whip em off"

Haters? Really? I thought the hating didn't start until middle school. I'm pretty sure in elementary school you like everyone. It concerns me that a nine year old is enough of a bitch that she has haters. How are they raising that girl!?

"i'm just tryna have fun so keep the party jumping"

The party? I hope you mean your birthday party, where you had a bouncy house. I know that's what you mean. Because you're 9 so you've never been to any other kind of party.

"Don't let haters keep me off my grind"

I'm still concerned about these "haters" she has, but more pressing issue: what the hell is her grind? You are too young to be grinding any sort of food item, and I know you're not grinding up on anything else. For realz, where are her parents while this shit is going down?

"When I'm down and I feel like giving up I think again"

Feel like giving up on what? Your long division homework? Get real

Then we have 16 lines just to make sure we know SHE'S WHIPPING HER HAIR BACK AND FORTH

What the hell does whipping your hair have to do with ANYTHING?

"Soon as i hit the stage applause I'm hearing it"

This would be so much more acceptable if it was the stage of her school's holiday concert, and not a stage in which she performs this horrible song and people pay. 9 year olds should not be performing for massive audiences. Her ears will probably never develop correctly.

"I, I gets it in mmmm yea I go hard"

You're 9. That is so so illegal. And disturbing.

I hope Child Protective Services has heard this song and is looking into it. Supposedly she wrote this herself. I am concerned about the kind of lifestyle she is living on so many different levels.

Group Projects...In College? For Realz?

A List of All the Reasons Group Work Should Not be Assigned in College

1. GPA

Excuse me, when the group project is 20% of the grade and that grade is 25% of my GPA that is leaving way to much of my GPA up to other people. That affects my scholarships and shit you know.

2. Schedules

I'm supposed to be able to coordinate a time to meet 6 other people OUTSIDE of class? Half of them don't even show up to class, never mind know where the library is.

3. Work Distribution

Yeah, I know you're an architecture major and this is your elective, and I know you're a senior, but that does not mean I'm doing the whole presentation guys. Shut up and email me your power point before 2 am the day of the presentation.

4. Grading

Wow, really, you're going to give us ALL a 95% on our presentation? Even though I was the only person who spoke, and if you asked you'd discover I also made the whole presentation and I'm pretty sure the rest of the group never even ordered the book.

5. People

Really, you want me to talk to the kid who has worn the same shirt all semester? I purposely sit on the other side of the room from him and now your TA has randomly assigned us to a group and I need to associate with him? Not happening.

6. Power point

Power point is the most overused, badly used teaching aid ever. No one gives a shit about the topic, and power point doesn't change that. Your slides should not be a novel! There should probably be a whole class titled "How to Make a Power Point That Doesn't Suck" before anyone is allowed to participate in a group project. And for that matter, mandatory for all professors.

7. Slacking

Someone always takes control of a group project. It's not my fault I'm type A, slightly obsessive compulsive and have no social life. As soon as the other group members discover there's someone more concerned with their grades than they are, suddenly they're off the hook and they don't do shit. Great.

8. Slacking

Don't try and deny it, you're slacking too Professor. You love to assign group projects instead of a final because then you can take the last 2 weeks of the semester off, stop preparing lectures and just listen to us flounder on about some mundane topic while you think about what you're going to buy your 4 year old for Christmas. I see through that shit, and I do not approve.

This is college people, not 6th grade. Don't give me some crap about needing to learn to work together for the real world, I am living with the 3 messiest people in the world and I haven't killed them yet. I can work with anyone. None of my GPA needs to be resting in the hands of some stoner who can't even find his way to class twice a week. And no way in hell do I need to be boosting his. No more group projects, it's for the greater good!

Why Shop At Walmart When You Can Go Yardsaling?!

Aha, summertime. The sunniest, stickiest, most beautiful time of year. Plants are blooming, kids are carefree, and gas prices skyrocket. What's not to love about sweltering heat, obnoxious vacationers everywhere and sand all up in your business? Nothing I tell you, nothing! But the best part of summer? Yard sales. Every Saturday dozens of people in your area are willing to sell you their old shit super cheap! What is not to love about cheap junk? NOTHING. I TOLD YOU SUMMER WAS GREAT. Now, yardsaling is not just hopping into your car and forking over a few crinkled ones for a broken desk lamp. Oh no. Yardsaling is so much more. Those of us who are really experienced realize it is more of a finely tuned art. To maximize your yardsale experience you must first love yourself. You must know yourself. Once the self aspect is complete you must come to know the "yard". The only way you will ever truly find the best bargains is to become one with the bounty that is being provided for you.

I realize an inexperienced yardsaler might have trouble understanding the type of yardsale success I am describing. To an inexperienced eye a yardsale can seem like piles of junk. Which is why I am going to provide an in-depth example of a highly successful recent yardsale experience I had. Do not be discouraged if after reading this you can not achieve the same results. Years of practice as well have genetics have made me the way I am. Do not expect to compete after just one or two tries.

Recently my town had a small fair thing. I live in a small town and events like this are important so people have an excuse to get in their horse and buggy and come together. How else would we keep up on everyone else's business?! This fair included various activities, the only one which bares any importance to this story is a town wide yard sale to support the historical society. All the items are donated and the Historical Society sells them for almost nothing, since they got them for nothing.

Now, me being the very successful college student that I am, home for summer vacation with nothing to do, am in the habit of sleeping until ten, eleven am each day, even noon or one on occasions. This can be a fatal flaw for any yardsaler, however I escaped ralativley unscathed, due at large to the sheer size of this yard sale and my specific needs. Being a college student I am merely a month away from living in my very first apartment. I have a very long list of kitchen appliances, furnishings and other life-or-death items every college student needs. If you are searching for your typical junk, as I always have been in the past, it is imperative you get out there early. The best finds will be swooped up by the old ladies who went to bed at 8 pm so you need to be alert and caffeinated at hours best left to woodland creatures if you hope to compete with them.

But alas, my lateness was paid off with good fortune. I arrived on the scene of the yardsale to find my assistant (and awesome little sister Becca) had already done some scoping. An eggbeater had been purchased, since those tend to go quick, and various other items were assembled and waiting my approval. Not everyone has the luxury of having helpers they can send out to do scoping though. Realize that I am at the professional level of this sport, and you are playing on a rec league. I hold 6 Olympic medals and you haven't scored a goal yet. I don't want anyone getting discouraged though! You'll get there some day, after countless Saturdays of setting your alarm for single digit numbers.

Becca had assembled the motherload of kitchen bliss. There was a matching set of three oven mitts with the most adorable ducks on them, for only a quarter. Talk about value people! Three vases for me to choose from, all under 50 cents and wildly stylish, with various types of fake flowers, as I live in Boston where fresh flowers aren't readily available. I had to pass up this wonderful deal, because its a tiny apartment people! There was one large plastic measuring cup, to cover all my baking needs, which was totally not even gross anymore after I ran it through the dishwasher. The deals were endless and beautiful; my arms were soon overflowing with kitchen essentials. I now have a full set of medium and large spoons, all matching (though no other cutlery). I have a set of three place mats (who needs a full set of four? Three is a prime number!); I have a spice rack (complete with very old and nasty smelling spices) which holds 6 different spices (so I'll have room for other types of herbs too!) and even rotates for easy access! For just a dollar I got a bundle that included 2 ladles, a cheese slicer, a serving spoon, a butcher knife, a steak fork, a whisk and a spatula! As far as dish ware I did very well for entering so late in the game. I got a set of 4 black octagonal plates (octagons are the new squares, and squares are very in right now), a set of 3 medium green plates and 5 matching bowls, and another set of 3 medium plates. My dishes may not all match, and if I ever have more than 4 people for dinner we'll have to break out the smaller plates (but we'd have to break out non-matching place mats at 3 people, so I'm just going to keep my dining experiences small). But let me tell you this is quality dish ware- all dishwasher safe (not that I'll have a dishwasher, but it doesn't hurt to dream) and very in.

However, with all this beautiful new (to me) kitchen ware for my very own apartment, there is one purchase that really toped off the day. The salt and pepper selection at this place was phenomenal, I can only imagine what I could have chosen from if I had arrived at 8 am with the old ladies! For my room a lovely pair of cat/bear things. Grinning up at you with a slightly terrifying grin and waving at you cheerily, with pink painted bows adorning their necks these might be the most horrifying and perfect figurines I have ever had the pleasure of coming across. As shocking as it seems they are equally as awesome as the salt and pepper shakers I purchased for my lovely boyfriend (and his 3 roommates, I have no doubt they will be highly appreciated all around). Shaped like old wooden barrels (very Revolutionary War) they have bronze eagles on them, holding a banner which reads "Our liberties, our freedom." If it gets better than that I don't know how. The pepper shaker is even a grinder as well, making these highly efficient as well as the perfect finishing touch to what I'm sure will be an always stylish kitchen.

Now, many of my purchases were fortunate, but not extraordinary. However, please do not expect to find things the caliber of my salt shakers on your first yardsaling experience. As I have mentioned, I have years of practice behind me. I know how to comb through items on folding tables like nobodies business. I picked through countless items, holding out for the perfect specimen to call my own. And ladies and gentleman, it was worth it. I acquired all this beauty for the low prices of $7.50. Some day with oractice, determination and a little luck, you too can be this successful at yardsaling. Don't give up! You'll get there someday!

Josiah’s Last Sliver of Morality

Hey, I’m Josiah, one of the blogger people on this website. Sort of. For some reason, I’m going to start out by telling you my life story.

Part 1. (The Good Kid)

Yeah, you read it right. I was the good little smiling white boy who wore a halo around his head at all times. I guess you wouldn’t really know the difference now, seeing that you don’t know me, and you literally just became aware of my existence about 10 to 30 seconds ago depending on your literacy. Wow, two minutes? You’re idiotic. Anyways, I was good. I stayed away from conversations that had to do with drugs or Harry Potter. Harry Potter was a huge no-no, maybe more so than the drugs. Even now, I have yet to do both. Let’s jump ahead to another part. No, I don’t think I’m going show you the next part… maybe the part after.

Part 3. (The Part after Part 2)

So, after Disney, I was a new person. I gradually began to make jokes, and I even cracked a couple dirty ones. I became pretty good acquaintances with the other people who write this thing, and I made several others. And that Derek kid and I are writing a book. Wow. Am I really whoring out my book to a blog that will never be read? Hmm… Yeah, I feel like shaming myself.

So yeah, there you go. That’s my life in three parts, without the annoying, cumbersome baggage of the second part. So now that you know about me, I’ll start talking about something now.

Pocket Watches

Now, I’m not really a watch person. Watches feed human’s dependency on gears, and gears are treacherous. Remember that. But, when I saw my friend wear a pocket watch, I knew that it was an original enough idea to do the exact same thing and coin it as my own. So now, I am THAT guy. Yeah, you know that guy. The “I wear a vest and tie with jeans, just so that I can correctly wear a pocket watch” guy. I’m proud of my accomplishments. Don’t judge. Pocket watches have several logical uses that I will now list.

1. Your snazzy meter will multiply by at least seven if you wear a pocket watch.

Seriously, if you are walking down the street swinging sweet swirls around the rhythm of your second hand (swinging your pocket watch around), you are getting checked out. I’m not joking. Especially if you’re hot. Okay, if you are walking down the street swinging sweet swirls around the rhythm of your second hand, and you are HOT, you are getting checked out. I still say the watch helped.

2. You get to blow people’s minds.

So Hillary, her brother, and I got on a train in Boston. It was late fall or something, so I was wearing my long pea coat (also crazy-snazzy). So, we’re sitting in a pretty sketchy train car, and this pretty sketchy guy sits across from us. I think he was bald. Does that matter at all to the actual story? That’s your opinion. Anyways, he asked if one of us had the time. This is about a week after my initial pocket watch purchase, so I immediately jumped to the challenge. Let’s talk about some obstacles. For one, my coat was buttoned up, with my pocket watch in my vest pocket which was now underneath a fair amount of wool-like polyester. Another obstacle was time. Both Hillary and her brother were sporting wrist watches, the jerk son of the pocket watch who probably got all the inheritance and waved it in the sundial’s face. Needless to say, they were beating me on the whole “tell the stranger the time” thing. So here’s what I did. I literally lifted my still-buttoned pea coat up, ripped my watch from my vest pocket, and read the man the time in such a majestic way that I was pretty sure that he was going to bow down to me. Hillary and her brother sat there in shame, while I stood there with my pea coat hunched up to my mid torso, smiling idiotically. Yeah.

Well, that’s all I can think of… but pocket watches rule. I swear.

A Lesson In Resourcefullness, Or Stealing, Depending Who You Are.

In case you don't know by now, I work at a grocery store. I make very little actual money at said grocery store which in turn requires what I like to call resourcefulness, but most people might call stealing. So, for your reading pleasure, I have compiled a numerated list to help you all be a little more resourceful.

Change Is Fair Game
Everyone hates coins. Just about any person alive has a place where they throw their spare change, only to forget about it later. Resourceful people like myself take advantage of this.

1. I like to start by scouring my own room. Coins like to hide in THE MOST RANDOM places, so don't be afraid to look in really strange places. Worst case scenario, you're still broke. Best case scenario, you find $25 in change on your floor (true story).
2. If you find the search of your own belongings disappointing, feel free to look in other high traffic areas of your residence, such as the kitchen table, junk drawers, or the dryer (only attempt this right after someone else has done laundry, dryer dollas go quick).
3. Be sure to check the pockets of all out of season clothing/old backpacks, occasionally you will strike gold.
4. After I have exhausted all the change hiding places inside my house, I take my search outside. My family of five owns and drives approximately 6 different vehicles regularly. Cars collect change like it's their job. Check the ash trays, under the seats and any other little compartments you family's vehicles may have. I promise you will not regret it.



If You Argue Long Enough People Will Give You Money For Anything

1. At my work, people are always trying to get rid of shifts. Taking someone's shift is a good way to earn some extra cash, but if you need money immediately this is not helpful. So I try to find people that are really desperate to get rid of their shift. So desperate they would PAY SOMEONE to take their shift. This way not only do you make more money in your paycheck, but you get a little instant gratification!
2. If I just ask my parents for money they always say no. They are firm believers in "paying your own way" and all that crap. I have found a way around this. Find something you parent really really hates doing. For example, my mother hates to cook dinner, so I tell her I'll buy something for dinner (with her money of course!) and cook it if she pays me. Works every time.
3. I have two brothers. They are very lazy, especially after lacrosse practice. This is the perfect time to earn some money. First, I make myself the most delicious looking sandwich ever. I'm serious. This only works with a really mindblowingly good sandwich. Then I just eat the sandwich. In front of them. Until they inevitably ask me to make them one. which I am more than willing to do, for a little monetary compensation.

Owen DeGeneres

Now, I know all you beloved readers (all 3 of you) are Ellen fans. I know this because if you're an Oprah fan you're not allowed to read this blog anymore. And if you're a Dr. Phil fan you're not allowed to exist anymore. Ellen is totally the coolest person ever. Wouldn't it be awesome if there were two of her? I'm here to tell you that there are! Well, more accurately, she is two people. She is the wonderful, amazing Ellen DeGeneres and the less successful, kind of lame Owen Wilson! Seriously. Compare some pics. Little bit of hair gel, some make up, and you have yourself Owen Wilson!

You may be thinking to yourself "Wow, now that you point it out I totally see it! They are the same person! But why would Ellen create such a lame alter ego?" Well, ladies and gentleman, imagine the pressure of being awesome all the time. It must be so tough to be Ellen. Which is why she created Owen. To take a realizing vacation from being awesome and successful, when she just wants to go out and have people be slightly excited rather than mob her, this is when she morphs into Owen. He is her beach vacation! Her hike through Europe! Further proof of the Owen DeGeneres phenomenon: Owen Wilson once appeared on her show. Just once. Their only appearance together. AND HE WORE A MOTORCYCLE HELMET THE WHOLE TIME. If that's not proof what is? DNA identification you say? I'm on it, I promise!

A Page From A Girl's Diary

This is a promiscuous entry in Tricia's diary:

Dear Diary,

Today I saw him again. When he looks at me with those scantily clad eyes, it makes my dildo go pitter-pat, and I feel as if I have penises in my stomach. I think he likes me because he asked me for the handcuffs when I was standing next to him in the bra. I just had to hear his vibrator again, so I called his penetrating machine and left a wet message.

I hope he doesn't recognize my lube. He is such a juicy pickle, dear diary. His name is Jeff, and I live in hope that someday he'll realize how kinky I would be for him, and that I am the man thong he has always been looking for.

10 Reasons Why Robot Unicorn Attack is the Best Game Ever

My lovely boyfriend was doing his interneting and he came across what is quite possibly the single most beautiful game in existence. He immediately showed me, I showed Hillary, and soon it was all over. We are now officially Robot Unicorn Attack addicts. PLAY NOW

DO IT

PLAY

NOW

This is the perfect game for gamers of all skill levels and ages. BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME.

Top 10 Reasons Why:

1. The Music! I know you all played already, so you know how lovely and soothing the song is. I have it playing on repeat right now, I love it so much. The robot unicorns just want to be with you, make believe with you, and live in harmony! "Open your eyes, and see, your eyes are open!" That is lyrical genius.

2. ROBOT UNICORNS! What is more bad ass than a robot that is also a unicorn? Nothing. Nothing at all.

3. Explosions Even though you're sad you died, you exploded and it's awesome!

4. Dolphins! Once you get far enough dolphins jump and swim along with you as you play. What is more lovely and inspiring than a dolphin keeping you company?

5. Inspirational Messages! At the start of each game you get inspirational messages. What is more awesome than a game than inspires you to succeed?

6. Rainbows! When you jump rainbows come out of your butt and guide you to the heavens. They're comforting and lovely and beautiful.

7. The Noise It Makes When You Jump! It's like magical chimes!

8. The Way Your Feet Sparkle When You Run! As your majestic unicorn gallops along the ground sparkles with pure joy everywhere you touch it. It is exhilarating to be this strong beautiful creature.

9. The Way Your Decapitated Head Cries When You Die! There is nothing more touching, more heart wrenching, more poetic than the tears that drip down your unicorns decapitated head after it has died.

10. Your Lives Are Called Wishes! Because who doesn't wish they were a majestic robot unicorn careening though a beautiful world with sparkling hooves and rainbows coming out of their butt? Who doesn't wish they could gallop around catching little fairy things and smashing into stars? Everyone has that wish burried deep inside them. Until a magical game called Robot Unicorn Attack let's them live out their fantasy.

Things I Love About Country Music!

Here's how this is going to go down:

I'm going to go to Pandora and I'm going to create a station starting with the song "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."

I will then listen to the next 10 songs.

I will write my thoughts about them here.

I will hopefully not die.

Song 1: If You're Going Through Hell

Rodney Atkins

The first line that strikes me is "Use the needle of your compass/to sew up your broken heart." I admit I was a little thrown off by his beautiful, crooning, below average IQ sounding voice so I may have missed some gems earlier on, but this is a beautiful piece of lyricism to me. The pure genius of taking your compass (Who has a fucking compass?! What are you a boy scout?!) and sewing up your broken heart is beyond me. It actually seems a little Brokeback Mountain: tough guy meets home ec, but is still manly! And the manly advice just keeps coming! "If you're scared don't show it." Why, that's an excellent idea. As long as no one knows you're scared everything will be okay! From this song I've learned that if I'm going through hell to just keep going. Rodney, thank you for your words of wisdom. You have made the world a better place.

Song 2: Beer For My Horses

Toby Keith

Somebody is getting in a lot of trouble in the first verse! Wow, we've got pretty high crime rates up in here ladies and gentleman. Watch out! Oh, but wait! In the second verse "Grandpappy" told "Pappy" to round up all the bad boys. Phew. I don't want to be a spoiler, but I suspect a happy ending if Pappy's on the case! The chorus seems to be in line with my theory! Also, in case anyone was unclear Toby Keith apparently lives in a TV show version of the wild west. Guess what kids! After the shoot out to rescue the beautiful lady we'll all go to the saloon to sing a victory song! And we'll feed our animals alcohol too yay! GOOD MORALS GOING ON UP IN HERE. Inebriating animals? Cool, as long as the bad guy is caught and the humans have stronger alcohol! Oh, now he's bringing Jesus in on this! Well as long as Jesus approves never mind, excellent policing strategies.

Song 3: What Was I Thinkin

Dierks Bentley

She sounds like a keeper buddy. What were you thinking? Ew. Alabama has always screamed sexy to me too, but gosh her Daddy's been to jail! And then you ran from the cops? Suddenly I understand why you were attracted to this lovely piece of trailer trash, your brain seems slightly damaged. I'm going to just throw something out there: Your penis was thinking, you weren't. Though I have trouble faulting your for that one because you're stupid, plenty of guys without brain damage have done the same. This is the part that confuses me: you know her dad is pissed, but you still drop her off and put the car in park? What? Drop her off a block away and make the bitch walk home, dumb ass.

Song 4: Swing

Trace Adkins

Comparing girls to sports? Unheard of. How did you come up with that one? I am impressed. Especially baseball. I can't think of any relationship/baseball comparisons. You are really pushing the limits. First off, no one is ever going to believe you went to Harvard, because stupid people can only go to Harvard if they're rich. And she will never believe you are smart or rich. Pre-med? Right. Okay. At least use believable lies! This is why you didn't get into Harvard in the first place. The real lyrical genius in the chorus is great. The way he alternates saying swing and batter is deep.

Song 5: Be My Baby Tonight

John Michael Montgomery

Really, love at first sight? Wow, that's deep. And highly unlikely you lying bastard. Lust at first sight is real. You're probably experiencing that. Look down, is your penis erect? Yeah, I thought so. Penis =/= love. If your awesome pick up line doesn't get her your grammatical prowess in the chorus sure will. Girls love men who sound like they've never spoken the English language before, it's sexy. The phrase "rhinestone romeo" is very nice too, alliteration everyone! He did make it through sixth grade! He's looking for more than a one night rodeo folks, sorry I must have been wrong. He's going to get down on his knees, there's no way this is lust. This is legit.

Song 6: Watermelon Crawl

Tracy Byrd

Haha, Rind County Watermelon Festival. He made a funny! What exactly is hot enough to make the Devil sigh? That phrase confuses me. Maybe it's because I've never met the Devil the way all these country singers apparently have. Dude, if there are 100 gallons of free wine I will got to a watermelon festival any day. I've never heard of watermelon wine though...interesting? A no drunk driving message thrown in there too, very responsible! Instead of drunk driving dance! That is very logical. Obviously my next method of getting home is dancing. We use it in college all the time. I've waltzed back to my dorm before. I should learn this watermelon crawl, it doesn't sound complex at all for someone who's inebriated.

Song 7: Southern Hallelujah

Trace Adkins

Judging solely by the first verse this is going to be one of those songs that talks about how a specific geographic region of girls are the best, judging by the genre its going to be the south. Obviously all girls in a geographic region can be grouped together. All us girls up here in the north definitely have similar characteristics, we're practically clones. This is a very legitimate way of judging girls. Why, when I meet a guy first thing I do is make sure he isn't from the South. I've always loved that tolerance and care that people from below the Mason-Dixon line have exhibited throughout history. Trace and I do agree on one point, there is something about the way they talk. Southern accents are just so intelligent sounding. It's crazy how every girl from the Carolinas is sweet and hospitable. Maybe they're clones?

Song 8: Back When

Tim McGraw

No, I do not remember the fizz in a pepper. What? Can someone please explain this to me? All I can think of is Dr. Pepper, and I can assure you that it still fizzes. And I'm just gunna let you in on a little secret, Coke is called Coke because it was originally made with Cocaine in it. So shut your little mouth about "when a Coke was a Coke." A Coke was never "just a Coke." Just because you had different slang words doesn't mean people didn't have sex or use drugs or give blow jobs. It just means you had different words for it. So stop judging, bitch. You just can't handle change, this nothing to do with "better times."

Song 9: Hicktown

Jason Aldean

This song has me concerned for the state of America. Riping and rolling is how you get down? You can see the neighbor's butt crack? Eww. Why is everyone smoking?! Why are you teaching your kids that that's okay? Why are you promoting this sort of behavior? CANCER! Also, waste of gas much? These "Hicktowns" seem pretty gas guzzling. No more fancy car judging, when you're ruining yours in mud and wasting gas. Not a renewable resource you know! Something tells me that this isn't the kind of party that's "heard around the world." There's a reason people live in the city, it's to get away from people's smoke and butt cracks.

Song 10: Drinkin Bone

Tracy Byrd

"It's basic honky tonk anatomy" OBVIOUSLY. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Maybe it's one of those things you need to be drunk, or maybe just plain stupid to understand? Because unfortunately "honky tonk anatomy" was one of those things I struggled with in high school. And they don't even offer it in college, I looked! I'm disappointed, it's something I've always wanted to know. Wait, he's going to explain! Oh wow, they should teach this one to preschoolers! It's like the "head bone's connected to the shoulder bone" song, but so much more useful in real life! I enjoy the fact that I can prove his little "obvious life facts" wrong. Down is not always south, it depends where you're standing. Thirty two degrees isn't freezing cold on the Celsius scale, you ethnocentric douche. Have you ever been to a circus? Those bitches play with lots of fire, and they appear to be unscathed. And trust me, knowing your honky tonk anatomy is NOT the most important thing you need to know. No wonder Asia is producing so many more engineers and shit, this is what Americans think it's important to teach their kids? We are officially screwed.

Celebrating National Bitch at the Grocery Store Day

Howdy y'all!

I certainly hope you're enjoying our lovely blog thus far. It is with great pleasure that I now bring you our first installment of National "Bitch At The Grocery Store" Day! Now, I know what you're thinking, but this is not an annual holiday. Oh no. School is session, the bank is open all day. NBATGSD is everyday. It's like Hanukkah, but longer, and instead of presents you get verbally abused. Sound good? Great. Let's get started!

It's a beautiful day in May. I am at the lovely retail food store where I am an ever important cashier. Everything was going smoothly, until I saw the one thing in my line that no cashier ever wants to see. That's right kids. A WIC order. Be afraid. But this was not just any WIC order. This one was for baby food. 48 FUCKING JARS of baby food.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with WIC, I will explain why this is such a terrible thing. WIC is a government program for Women with Infants/Children (WIC, get it? Cute, I know). Participants are given vouchers for specific items that every child/mother needs (allegedly). But so that the government isn't losing money unnecessarily (riiiight), participants are only allowed to buy very specific foods approved by the government. Cashiers are required to make sure each item the participant is buying is approved, because who trusts moms to buy their babies the right food? NOT THE GOVERNMENT.

So anyway, there is this man in my line. He is super sketchy looking. Like meth addict sketchy. He was shaking the entire time this string of events was occurring. So there he is. With his ridiculous amounts of baby food. NONE OF WHICH ARE ON THE LIST OF APPROVED FOODS. I kindly inform him of this, and tell him he needs to get the correct ones. I write down the list of things he is allowed to get, just in case he didn't know and send him on his way. Approximately ten blissfully pleasant minutes pass before he returns, piles of baby food in hand (Why didn't he get a cart?) he dumps his mountains of baby food onto my register.

div>I begin to look at them, and realize that an unimaginable thing has happened. THIS MAN HAS GOTTEN ALL THE WRONG THINGS AGAIN, EVEN WITH A LIST TO FOLLOW. Seriously dude? How can you be this dumb? HOW??! I am shocked, confused and just a little frightened as I tell this man that he needs to get the correct items FOR A THIRD TIME. He becomes infuriated with me and starts yelling at me about how unfair this is and how all these rules are "fucking stupid". Once he finishes his tirade, I calmly told him that I was sorry, but I don't know what else I can do for him. (I told him what he needed to get. I wrote him a fucking list. I do not have time right now to teach him how to read.) He continues to shout about the injustices of receiving government aid and how "retarded" it is that there are rules.

"My baby likes mixed vegetables! Why won't you let me buy them?!" is just one exclamation emitted by this man. I don't know what to do. He won't shut up. And then, the sheer stupidity of his proclamations made my head explode into sweet, sweet oblivion.

The end.

Derek's Corner of Various What-Nots

So here I am. I am Derek. I believe I was featured in a story that involved Applebees and various other buttsex shenanigans. That's right, I'm that Derek.

The creators of this incredible blog sensibly titled “Dinosaurs like cheesecake too” decided to give me a little section of my own in which I will submit bi-monthly. Since I don't know what the fuck bi-monthly means I am just going to give them an entry whenever the fuck I want. Now I also receive full artistic freedom to write whatever I want. Which is dangerous. It took a few hours of intense editing just to make sure those first lines above wouldn't catapult this blog straight onto the CIA terrorist watch list. You don't even want to know what I took out. In my older days I've grown quite a bit more mature and have learned to filter what I say. Luckily for you, that means this entire column of mine will be void of all poop jokes.*
So first order of business. You the reader (all 3 of you) will be wondering, what does Derek's Corner of Various What-Nots entail? Well, I don't know. I haven't figured it out. Haven't found my chief aim so to speak. I tossed up the idea of having a continuous theme running through these but then I realized that takes work and investment. And I don't like work.... or investment. So instead what we get is exactly what the title says: Various What-Nots. So think of this first one as an introduction. A tour of what is to come. I can promise you that you'll probably learn a shit ton of shit. I'll be sharing with you my philosophical meanderings and general thoughts on the cosmos. Thusly involving, as previously stated “a shit ton of shit.”
But first it would probably be good to get to know me. I am the inventor of many new sciences. The first is one that bases the happiness of a person in direct correlation with the tint of their earwax. I just made it 56 minutes ago and it's already got more credibility then astrology, because everyone knows that astrology is bullshit.

Another science I invented is Ology-ology. A week ago me and a few other ology-ologists were awarded a 10 million dollar grant to research the effectiveness of government grants. I am also a world class athlete. I play professionally in the up and coming underground sport called “Extreme Curling.” Instead of brooms we get flame throwers and the field is at an 89 degree angle which we have to ski down while playing. Let's just say lives have been lost. But other then that I'm a real outdoors sort of guy... I'm homeless. The government fucked me in the ass and that's all you need to know in those regards. I can also be pretty sensitive though. Catching on fire hurts like a bitch and I'm man enough to admit it.

So this entry was quite dull, and for that I apologize. But we are just warming up, getting to know each other first. The ball will get rolling and these things might actually begin to get, dare I say... funny. But until then its like the first time you have sex. Passionless and quick. After reading this you may even itch in a private area for a few weeks as well. But of course you wouldn't know. You're reading a blog (all 3 of you). So until the next bi-month comes around, which for all I know could be a fucking half-century from now, I will continue to wallow in my tears of loneliness and self-despair. It is befitting. So stay ever vigilant my friends, and remain on the look out.... I'll be back.

*Dick-Poop... I lied.